The Promise
by fruitloopsarejustgaycheerios
Summary: Santana makes a promise to always do what's best for Brittany but she slowly realizes that maybe she isn't the best for her.
1. Sometimes She Prays

The ringing of the church bells echoed throughout the hall of the small chapel, all sound dissipating after the last chimes.

Santana sits with her arms folded over one another shielding herself from all that surrounded her with her legs crossed revealing a little too much for the setting. Her face remains unmoved and uninterested as she sharpens her nails that had resembled claws most of the time. Every now and again you could hear a sigh escape her as if she was bored with the thought of listening to a man in a cheap black cotton robe talk about God for an hour. Somehow she withstood the need to make any snappy comments about the whole ordeal, which was mostly due to the fact she didn't want to wake the sleeping blonde who clung to her left arm with no intention of letting go. Praying always made her slip into a deep comatose and Santana didn't mind when the blonde stirred whispering incoherent words as her shoes tapped against the pew in front of them. Brittany was peaceful in a state of slumber and Santana could only remove her usual bitch face to look at the blonde with endearment and awe.

Mass had ended thirty minutes ago but the pair still remained in the confines of the back row with no sign of leaving. Father Michael noticed the two of them from the beginning, he hardly saw any teenagers in the church but for some reason they had managed to catch his eye, and without hesitation he quietly walked to the back of the church with a friendly smile upon his face hoping to introduce himself.

Santana didn't acknowledge his presence as he stood there stupidly extending his hand to the Latina who obviously had no intention of dropping her nail filer to touch his God praising hand. It only took a simple glare from her to convey the message and the Priest slowly lowered his hand as he decided handshakes were probably too formal for kids these days, "Hi, I'm Father Michael. I haven't seen you around this particular parish and would like to-" His kind words were immediately cut short as Santana shot another glare his way, this time putting the nail filer down emphasizing her words with appropriate hand gestures, "Listen man dress, I'm only here because my Dad makes six figure checks and promises me twenty percent of that green green cash if i praise the Lord once a week. So you'll stand up there with your wheat thins and cheap wine and i'll sit in the back, my friend here will take a nap and i'll pretend to file my nails for Jesus, okay." A feigned smile crawled its way to her face as she tilted her head to the side, lips curled in a devious manner.

The Priest stood there motionless but not at all surprised. He had dealt with teenagers before and was used to the rude and inappropriate behavior, but there was something different about this particular girl. She had a harsh tone to her every word as if she wanted them to leave an impression but the focus was hardly on the content of what she was saying but rather on the very act of whispering it. She didn't seem like she respected the house of the Lord nor cared about the traditions that they followed; she wanted to come off as soulless and uncaring but she did seem to care about her dozing friend, and caring meant having a heart.

He nodded his head is agreement giving Santana the satisfaction that she didn't just rule the school but had also successfully commanded full dominance over Lima. When the echo of his footsteps soon faded Santana let the tenacious expression leave her face as she turned to Brittany who was beginning to wake up. The creases of her eye lids opening as a yawn managed to escape the blonde and in turn caused Santana to smile.

"Did they sacrifice a cow?" Brittany muttered in her recently awaken haze as she stretched out her arms. Santana lifted herself from the church pews stringing the blonde with her,"No, Britt. No cows were harmed, just bread and wine." Brittany's face broke into a smile, her obvious relief that no animals were harmed, "Does that mean they killed a loaf?" She said with the same seriousness that Santana had learned to deal with over the years. "You can't save everything Britt, come on let's get out of here before Man creep the Priest comes back." They both giggled as they left dangling against each other, pinkies firmly linked together.

No one knows why Santana really goes to Church, sure her Dad encourages her to attend but that's only because he thinks it will instill good morals into her behavior, but obviously that didn't pan out the way he expected seeing as his daughter is just another slutty cheerleader (or former cheerleader). But no one knows the real reason why Santana actually goes.

Sometimes she prays but no one will ever hear the things she is sorry for. She isn't a religious person but even she finds moments in her life where she has no one to turn to but someone who is probably a collective figment of everyones imagination.

She takes Brittany with her every Sunday and they sit in the back of any Church. Brittany usually sleeps but Santana sits there praying even if she isn't on her knees, she prays. Internally she processes the things in her life that she is grateful for, the most important being Brittany.

No one knows why Santana does the things she does; her constant bitchiness and status obsessed ways are all meaningful but no one would figure that out. They don't know that she made a deal with God to save the life of her best friend and they will probably never know the things she has given up for the blonde.

Love is worth all the sacrifice at least in her eyes and she has made many along the way only hoping she would never have to relive the day that changed everything.


	2. One, Two, Three, Jump

At thirteen the only thing Santana and Brittany loved more than boy bands and clip on earrings were hot summer nights at the river. Brittany and her parents were going this weekend and asked if Santana wanted to join them. Of course she agreed. It's not like her parents would mind, they hardly even paid any attention to her.

The sun beamed down on their barely developing bodies as they gossiped about who they thought were the cutest guys in their grade. While Santana drooled over Puck and his shapely abs, Brittany thought that Kurt was the cutest guy which left Santana confused. "He looks like a baby… babies are always cute" Brittany said as if it was that logical. Santana was unable to control her laughter at this point considering Brittany's argument was solely based on Kurt's ability to contain a clearer face than half the girls at their school.

As the day grew darker they lay sprawled across the wooden planks of the lake house staring up at the stars that now showered above them, it was beautiful. Santana rose to her feet pulling Brittany up with her, "Come on let's go in the water" She said dragging Brittany along the dirt path that lead down to the lake. They stood over the edge of the cliff, it was about a thirty foot drop into the icy lake. Brittany stood farther away, where Santana saw danger and excitement Brittany saw fear and death. Her hands were shaking and her knees buckled as she looked over the edge gulping down hard as she felt her heart sink. She didn't want to jump off and risk losing everything. Santana on the other hand, looked down with a smile on her face as her heart was ready to leap out of her chest and take the first dive. She wanted to jump in and forget everything.

Santana turned to Brittany seeing how scared she was and reached for her hand grasping it tightly as their fingers became tangled with one another. "It's okay Britt, it'll be fun." Her words were enough to convince Brittany, in fact Santana could have said anything and Brittany would have reluctantly agreed to it because that was what Brittany did, she regarded everything that Santana said or did as something beyond questioning.

Brittany's frown was soon replaced by an elated smile and her fear had subsided into a rush of excitement that had now mirrored Santana's. Santana counted them down, "One, two, three… jump!" Those were the last words both the girls had heard before they leapt down, suspended in the air, the wind pulling their hair back and for a moment it feels like nothing mattered but the two of them.

Their hands still tightly grasping for one another, Santana feels free and when the water surrounds her body; she is submerged into the icy coldness of the lake but her hand feels empty. She rises gasping for air as her eyes scan the perimeter. She screams out her name, "Brittany!" and then she feels the panic, the guilt, the utter loss and frustration. She screams again this time tears roll down her face but it washes away with the water as if her tears could fill the whole lake.

Brittany's body floats to the surface a few feet from her and she swims the fastest she ever has pulling the blondes motionless body close to her as if the sound of her heart would pump the life back into the blonde. She pulls her body to dry land, dragging her against the dirt that covered the trail back to the lake house. She is sobbing uncontrollably now and she shakes the blonde hoping to bring her back to life, but it fails.

Before she could even try anything else a flashlight shines into her eyes and she feels relieved, it's Brittany's Dad. He must have heard her screams and come down as fast as he could. The horror on his face when he saw his daughter lying there lifeless was indescribable, in fact Santana had never seen that look on him before and it scared her. He gave her mouth to mouth pushing down on her chest to bring the oxygen into her lungs. Santana backs away pulling her knees firmly into her chest as her breathing became heavy and her heart became a drum. She's scared, more scared than she's ever been in her life and she cowers away trying to find solace in her own crying.

In that moment she prayed. Silently, she asked God to help Brittany, to just make her wake up. She promised that she would always look out for her, that she would never do anything stupid again like jumping off a cliff into a shallow lake without thinking of how it would affect Brittany. She prayed that if he would just save her best friend then she would always do what was best for her and not what was best for herself. Just when she was beginning to give up she heard the coughing as water spewed from the blonde's mouth. Santana jumped to her feet as she practically threw herself on top of the frail girl pulling her into a tight grasp.

Brittany stayed at the hospital for two weeks after that night. She had swallowed a lot of water and hit her head on a rock that laid at the bottom of the lake causing a concussion; the doctors said that she may have suffered mild brain damage. She began to speak without thinking and sometimes her thoughts didn't make sense. People teased her but they didn't know why she acted the way she did, they didn't know what had happened that summer and Santana wasn't going to tell anyone.

Instead she began working on her promise. Her priority was looking out for Brittany and they were entering high school soon where there would be more than little remarks and bullying. She knew she had to do something to make sure Brittany wouldn't be teased. She decided early on that they would be cheerleaders, since Brittany was a skilled dancer it would come naturally.

This was how it began, this is how Santana began to honor her promise.


	3. She's a Protector

The choir room fills with the sound of music as Santana takes her seat next to Sam and Brittany finds her place next to Artie. Mr. Shue lectures them about the blues and song choices, meanwhile Santana finds herself drifting off as she catches Brittany's feet tap to the sound of the piano playing. Her feet moving to each note as if the keys were on the floor and relied on her excessive tapping to produce the lovely notes. Santana is unable to keep her eyes off of the gesture, and it may seem like nothing important but when it came to anything that Brittany did it became important.

No one else noticed and she didn't expect them to. They didn't know that Brittany wasn't just a phenomenal dancer but she used to be able to play the piano, before that day at the river of course.

Brittany's slender fingers pressing against the white keys on a piano trying to escape to another place where words and numbers ceased to exist and only the sound of music was important. Santana remembers how Brittany used to play for her when they were twelve. She would stretch her legs hitting the brass peddles that lay at the bottom of the piano pretending she was driving; the keys were her steering wheel while the peddles were the accelerator and Santana was always the passenger beside her giggling at the little songs they would sing together.

After Brittany's accident she lost the ability to remember notes and soon had forgotten how to play altogether. So when she sees Brittany moving to the sound of the piano, although very subtle, she cant help but think that maybe she remembers, that maybe she wishes she was able to play like she used to. Santana's insides begin to fill with a bottomless guilt that begins in her hands that pull away from Sam's. She had taken that away from Brittany, she had taken away her ability to make music and in turn her happiness.

That was the real reason why Santana stayed in Glee club despite what she said at sectionals last year. Glee was a way for Brittany to make music, to sing and dance, and to be happy. It was as if Santana had found something to make up for what she had taken away from the blonde. Brittany enjoyed singing even though memorizing lyrics was a difficult task; she just enjoyed the very act of making music

The bell rings waking Santana from her thoughts as she rises to her feet leaving Sam to trail behind her. Her eyes lock with the blonde as she holds up her pinky waiting for Brittany's to latch on. They were always linking pinkies, some people thought it was just a cute best friend thing but they didn't know the real reason, the simple act was completely purposeful.

Santana refuses to hold Brittany's hand fearing that she will drag her along into something regretful, and it might just be worse than jumping off a cliff this time. Their pinkies aren't strong enough to hold them together and Santana feels it's better this way, it's better that they remain close but distant. She doesn't want anything to happen to her best friend and although she is the one who usually protects the blonde she understands that sometimes it isn't high school or jocks or anything else that can harm Brittany, but in fact it is her that causes the most damage.

Santana forced Brittany to join Cheerios, convincing her it was just like dancing except you get really slutty uniforms and the blonde didn't dare argue against short skirts and sleeveless shirts. Santana joined in order to ensure a good social standing in high school. Instead of being the stupid blonde Brittany could be the slutty cheerleader. Sure both sounded terrible but at least the slutty cheerleader didn't have to worry about being slushied in the face every day or hearing the terrible name calling. People think that Santana cared so much about staying on the squad because she was selfish and wanted to remain the Queen bitch around school, but they couldn't be more wrong. She only wanted to stay on the squad because it made everyone see you as a threat and therefore brought fear into everyone preventing them from messing with her best friend.

It was more than just preserving her status, it was about protecting Brittany, it will always be about protecting Brittany.

When Coach Sylvester somehow convinced Brittany to shoot herself out of a cannon Santana had enough and decided that Cheerios was doing more harm to them than they needed and so instinctively she was the first to quit, which then caused a domino effect and soon enough Brittany and Quinn were no longer part of the slut army.

Finn desperately wanted Quinn to choose Glee instead of Cheerios and when she refused he made a big deal about it; it makes Santana wonder why no one knows or even questions why she was so quick to throw the towel in. No one notices when Santana does nice things and they probably refuse to believe her intentions are always good. But it's okay, she thinks it's better that they don't know, it's better that they don't pity her or think she actually has a soul beneath her tough exterior. It's easier to put up a good defensive than to come to terms with the truth, because the truth was Santana was vulnerable and weak especially when it came to the bubbly blonde.

When she did nice things it was always for Brittany but when she did monstrous and detestable things somehow it was always for Brittany too. The blonde brought out the best and worst in Santana and it's hard to imagine that her sweet to devious ratio used to be the other way around but after all that happened that one summer she changed. She forced herself to find strength in order to pull herself out of the guilt that had begun to drown her the way it had nearly drowned Brittany. She became crude, harsh, possessive, and demanding. She became someone whose only concern was a certain blonde and her happiness.


	4. A Stolen Kiss

They first kissed freshman year and it wasn't romantic or planned or even expected but it had meant something.

They were supposed to be studying for a math exam but numbers always confused Brittany so they decided to take a break and well that break turned into a four hour gossip spree. When it began to get dark they climbed through Brittany's window laying down on her roof hoping to catch the nightly glow of the stars that now lit up the whole sky. It was beautiful. Brittany would point out animals in the sky where the north star that shined the brightest was always the cats nose or the sharks eye. Santana adored Brittany's sweet nature, the way she seemed so careless, completely unaware that her hair fell in front of her face in a cute messy type of way which only caused Santana's smile to widen.

Brittany looked towards her, those blue eyes shimmering with the moonlight, it was intoxicating. "San, What do kisses taste like?" The blonde asks with a seriousness in her features as if it was an important question she so desperately needed the answer to. Santana only turned her head slightly giving her a confused look, "What do you mean Britt?"

Brittany quietly looked down as she twirled her fingers, "Well I see you kissing Puck all the time at school and I want to kiss someone too, but Im scared they will taste like peanuts… and then i'll get sick because I'm allergic and my mom said I'd have to go in an amber lance."

Santana couldn't help but giggle at Brittany's mispronunciation of ambulance and reached over so her hand fell on top of the blondes grasping it tightly to reassure her that there would be no need for an ambulance. "You've never kissed anyone before, Brittany?" Santana probably should have known but it never crossed her mind. She just assumed that Brittany had smooched some guy after all there were plenty that swooned over her, she would just have to take her pick.

"No… my mom was talking about birds and bees yesterday and she said that you should only kiss someone you love." Brittany's innocence and naivety was precious; she hoped she would never change.

Santana squirmed closer to the blonde until they were mere inches from one another as she gently rose holding herself slightly above Brittany. Her eyes memorized every curve and every freckle. Her fingertips grazing her collarbone as she traced over the small scar on her neck that she had gotten from that tragic fall at the river, it made Santana's whole body shiver as she dives in. Her lips lightly pressing against Brittany's.

It's a simple kiss but it felt like so much more. It was over in a matter of seconds despite the fact that they both didn't seem to want it to end. Brittany's hands pulled on Santana's shirt desperate for more but Santana couldn't let herself continue. It was impossible to keep kissing her without falling completely and utterly in love with the blue eyed girl. She looked down at her, Brittany's eyes still closed as her lips lingered in the air, it was adorable and she couldn't help but relieve a smile. "See, nothing to be scared of. It's just a kiss." Funny she said it was just a kiss when it meant so much more to her than she let on.

When Brittany finally opened her eyes the butterflies roamed around in her stomach as she had just experienced her first kiss, "…you don't taste like peanuts San, you taste sweet." She said as she licked her lips hoping to savor the taste. Santana only smiled as she sat up with her legs crossed in front of her, "Okay Britt but now you know how to kiss so you should totally pucker up for that cute guy on the football team who's always checking out your legs." She said knowing Brittany would do as she said even though deep down she didn't want Brittany to kiss anyone but her. She knew Brittany had to build her reputation and how else but by kissing the guys on the football team, it would instantly make her the most loved girl on campus, something Santana knew would be a much better title than quiet girl who never puts out.

Brittany only nodded. Never questioning Santana's knowledge on anything but only following it like a sacred commandment. And thus began Brittany's kissing list. Santana was her first but she definitely wasn't her last. Brittany sat up staring down at Santana's deep dark brown eyes as a smile crept to her face, "…I like your sweet lady kisses though… I don't think boys will taste as sweet." Santana only blushed as she pulled the blonde up with her so they could crawl back inside the comfort of the room.

Santana had broken her promise. She became selfish, possessive, and greedy. She had stolen Brittany's first kiss and kept it all to herself, but that was only the beginning. She craved for Brittany's lips every night until she couldn't help herself. She told Brittany that best friends were allowed to kiss each other, that it was just for fun and practice. Of course Brittany believed her, Brittany would go down to her grave defending Santana's obvious lies.

It started with kisses then they became make out sessions and soon enough it was sex. She had convinced Brittany that this was completely normal, that best friends were allowed to do this with each other. Brittany never questioned it. It was difficult at first but then it became a routine. She told Brittany that just because two people have sex doesn't mean they are in love with each other, and thus sprouted the infamous phrase that echoed the halls at school, sex is not dating.


	5. What is Love?

Their Glee assignment this week was Love. The simple word that had probably brought more aching than actual bliss was what they had to sing to someone special. Santana leaned closer to Brittany in hopes they could partner up, it used to be expected but she backed away as she had to remind herself that Brittany was dating Artie now.

She looks around the choir room, how in love everyone is, how happy and infatuated they were, but they had no clue what love was. It most definitely wasn't a bond over your race like Tina and Mike, or two popular blondes who were desperate for any kind of belonging or affection like Sam and Quinn, and it most certainly wasn't just a strike of lust like Puck and Lauren.

"So everyone, what is love?" Mr. Shue asks the class as if he expects some profound answer from each and every one of them. He turns to Santana first, she only rolls her eyes as her brain regards all her feelings for Brittany as unimportant information, sitting up she puts on the mask that had become her safeguard over the past year, "Love is a reliable football player… with a trust fund… and a winning lottery ticket… and a killer body wouldn't hurt too." The classroom filled with laughter as the Latina sat back down a smirk forming across her face satisfied with her answer that left everyone clueless to the things she truly felt about the subject.

Everyone there had no idea what love was, but she did. Santana Lopez knew exactly what love was even though she was the only one without a valentine. Love was about sacrifice, it was about never giving up, it was about shattered egos and persistent hearts. To her love was sweet lady kisses at midnight or feeding ducks at the pond. Love was always about Brittany, at least in her mind. It makes her think of the last moment she and Brittany shared before she had ended the benefits of their friendship.

They only ever kissed behind locked doors as if there was a cloud of shame to what they shared. In the confines of Brittany's room they belonged to each other. Their hands tangled along with the rest of their limbs, lost within each other with no intention of finding a route out. These are the moments Santana feels happiest, when there are no threats, no worries, just the two of them whispering sweet nothings and leaving trails of sweet lady kisses against each others bodies as if to heal the wounds from cheerios practice. But when it becomes too real, when it becomes more than just kisses and touching she has no choice but to stop. She cant allow herself this infatuation, she cant allow herself to torment Brittany like this.

They both feel it, the way their hearts race, the way the elusive smile creeps onto their faces and little giggles escape their lungs. It's love but she wants to deny it. Even as her body decays at the very sensation of Brittany's weight against her, she cant help but deny it. She wants this but she cant have it, she wont allow herself to fall hopelessly in love with the blonde because it will hurt too much when she tears the strings to Brittany's fragile heart. She's not scared, she's playing it safe unwilling to cross the lines of friendship despite the fact that she comes close every time.

Her own words echo in her head like a broken record player unable to move on to the next verse, "I'm not making out with you because i'm in love with you." She knows they rip away at Brittany's insides causing internal damage, but she refuses to stare at the blonde who lays down eyes glued to the bed sheets they had just spent the night giving each other kisses in. She hardly meant those speared words, in fact what she really meant was "I'm making out with you because I'm in love with you." But those words would probably never dare leave her lips even if they were covered in truth.

How can she face those puppy dog eyes that only craved her affection? Instead she rose tying her hair up and with it her placing her mask firmly back on as the bitch face soon appeared along with the snappy tone in her voice. Although her hands are curled into fists as if to persuade Brittany her tough exterior had been firmly set back into place her knees continued to shake with the hard stricken arrow from cupid.

She knows what denying a duet with Brittany meant. It meant Brittany would go to the only other person who didn't have a partner, who she could seduce, and that meant Artie. Of course Santana was aware of how easy it would be for Artie to fall for Brittany and the only reason she retaliated so fiercely was because she truly was jealous, but Artie and Brittany needed to happen. She needed a reason to stop craving Brittany and this would be her reason.

Within a couple weeks the blonde and wheels were an item and despite the fact she cringed at the very sight of them holding hands she did her best to stay calm. Brittany deserved someone who would reciprocate her feelings publicly and she knew Artie would be a poor substitute but he would do for now.

When she hears Artie say that he loves Brittany her heart begins to tear because he doesn't know what loving Brittany feels like or what it means. Loving Brittany meant sacrificing everything, it meant tearing your heart out and letting it dry into a piece of nothingness because that was the only way to love Brittany. Completely exposed and naked, free of all constraints but when you realize you have the power to destroy her fragile heart you have to destroy your own before it gets to hers. That is what Santana had done, she had sacrificed her own heart to save Brittany's. She became cold, bitter, cruel. It was the only way to feel nothing, to make it known that she was incapable of loving when in reality it was all she could ever do.

This was her cross to bear. The pain of knowing you let go of the only person you would probably ever really love because it was the only way to protect her. It was the reason why Santana got a boob job that summer, because she knew Brittany adored her every curve especially her breasts. The blonde thought they were perfect, not too big and not too small. She needed to ruin herself to make Brittany see her imperfections the way she saw them.

It tore her heart at the seams knowing she would never allow herself to have Brittany the way Tina had Mike or Finn had Rachel. It was the reason why she tore her claws into every other relationship trying to destroy their happiness so they could feel as miserable and heart broken as she did. Brittany seemed happy and that was what mattered to her most. Even if she remained desolate and lonely it didn't matter because her best friend had found a happiness that she hoped wouldn't fade.

So love, the word that mostly everyone describes their relationship with was something Santana grew disgusted by. They didn't know what love was, how could they? Love was never simple and they made it seem like it could be summed up with a single song on a single day when really it was something that lasted a lifetime with tribulations and arguments. Love was a game of persistence and unwavering commitment and dedication to a person that cheating, lying, or anything else could never tear apart. It was a quality only Santana contained seeing as Finn couldn't forgive Rachel for kissing another guy, Artie couldn't forgive Tina for making up her stutter, and Quinn couldn't forgive Puck for his immaturity. Santana knew the love she and Brittany had was real, it had survived her slutty behavior, her lying tongue, and her egotistical attitude, and still their love was stronger than half the relationships at the school, and they weren't even really together.

But if she had to sum it up with one simple sentence: love was knowing when to give in but knowing never to give up. Her promise prevented her from ever having a real committed relationship with Brittany for the fear that they would both be teased and bullied; she knew Brittany would be hurt by the torment of the closed minded student and think that their love was wrong when really love was never wrong. Just because her promise meant not being with Brittany it didn't mean not loving her.


	6. Sweetness

Santana sits alone at the table, the silence of the empty house is enough to make anyone believe it was deserted. A sigh left the Latina as she picked at the rice and chicken that lay on her plate, it was already cold. Her eyes staring at the plate across from her where the empty chair lay. She knew she should stop putting faith in her father, that he was a busy man, far too busy to be home on time to eat dinner with his only daughter. She always leaves a plate for him though, even if she knows they will never sit together like a real family and talk about school or life or Brittany. She knows he cares though because she would usually find the dish dirty in the sink the next morning, she knew he would eat the food she prepared when he came home no matter how late. Tonight she waited longer than usual. The clock pushing to one already.

Her eyes drift across the room where the pictures rested firmly on the shelves and she doesn't understand why he keeps them. Maybe he's scared that if he removes them she will never come back, but then again it's not like he would ever fight for her. They divorced five years ago. Her mother was a nurse when she met her Dad, they seemed so in love, it was disgusting really, the amount of affection they both had for each other caused her to believe they were newlyweds but she assumed that was what love did, it never died out.

Apparently it did, the expiration date being twelve years. Her father was never an open man nor did he have the sort of compassion her mother did and she realized that all of his weaknesses were her strengths and vice versa. Her father was strong, stubborn, and tough, but very insecure while her mother was compassionate, forgiving, knowing exactly what she wanted. Together they were whole but apart they drifted into a nothingness that resembled what she had felt lately.

Her mother remarried a man she didn't love but could grow to love with time. Her father never looked at another woman, instead he found comfort in drowning himself in work. She thinks that he stays at the hospital so late because it reminds him of her but she can never be sure.

She doesn't want to become them but it seems inevitable by now. Maybe that's why she continues to believe her Father will find the courage and win her mother back even if the odds are against him. Secretly she wishes she had the courage to fight for Brittany but the battle is too much to bear for her weak heart. She knows that all the bad in her would only hurt the blonde and being as stubborn as her father she didn't see changing as an option. She doesn't know how to be anything but cold and ruthless because that is what keeps Brittany from being picked on or slushied. She's too scared to take the risk.

The clock strikes two and the hope drains from her body as she lifts her barely eaten food throwing the remains in the trashcan and the plate in the sink. She walks up to her room, with each step a part of her tough exterior begins to wither away. She falls apart on her bed that night. Tears soaking her pillow cases as her eyes grow puffy and red. Only in the comfort of her locked room she would cry like this.

She misses her. She knows that Brittany has a boyfriend now and therefore spends every minute with Artie and she hates herself for letting him take her away. She soon begins to regret pulling so many strings for the machine that gave Artie the ability to walk. Most people thought it was Coach Bieste but little did they know that Santana was behind the whole ordeal. After all her Father was a doctor and all she had to do was put on the princess act and with a kiss on the cheek and a fake smile he was already ordering it in. She brought it into the choir room herself, debating whether it was the right thing to do, and she decided later on that it was when she saw how happy Brittany became at the simple act.

She rolls over to her side checking her cell for any missed messages. A smile creeps to her face as she sees there are three from Brittany. She opens them immediately quietly reading them to herself.

Britt: "Hey San, I'm going to come by your house at nine okay, I have something super super super amazing to tell you! :)"

Britt: "Your doorbell doesn't work and I can't knock on wood because I've already done that earlier when Artie was talking about nationals and how if we lost it would ruin glee club."

Britt: "I'll just wait outside your room until you come home or finish whatever you're doing"

Immediately Santana rushes to the balcony of her room staring down and looking for the blonde. Of course Brittany was there sitting under a tree playing with a rollie pollie that had been crawling around her hand for god knows how many hours. She was wearing a short skirt that complimented her long legs and an over sized T-shirt that matched her pink fuzzy hat with the strings in a knot around her chin. Santana leans over the ledge and calls out to her, "Britt! What the hell, you should have just came up you know my balcony door is always open."

When Brittany finally crawls up the ladder and into her room the sudden warmth causes her to collapse on Santana's bed. Santana sits down next to her trying to cover the stray tears on her face, "How long were you waiting out there Britt?"

Brittany shrugged, "Well I got here at nine so maybe a couple hours… you know I'm still learning how to read digital clocks." She said as she looked down at the screen of her phone. "But San I had to come over and tell you!" She said with an excitement that in turn caused Santana to break a smile. "Artie gave me roses today, he remembered it was our one month anniversary." The blonde said in a squeal as she grasped Santana's hands in excitement. Santana on the other hand became irritated. Artie probably didn't even know that Brittany's favorite flowers were orchids and that roses reminded her of baby hearts, but still the simple act of remembering something important like the date of a relationship and celebrating it was enough to win Brittany over. Why did Artie have to make Brittany so happy, it was hard to hate him.

It reminds her of the time when Brittany used to get excited about their gifts. They used to get each other gifts every year celebrating their friendship. It started when they were nine and the tradition still hadn't died, in fact their friendship anniversary was in three weeks and two days, not that Santana was counting. She had gotten Brittany a silly hat every year. It began as a joke, when Brittany thought her ears were hideous because they looked like elf ears, of course Santana found the solution which was a silly blue hat with fur trimmings that would cover the blondes beautiful little ears. Brittany wore it more often these past few weeks probably due to the fact that they didn't have to wear their cheerios uniform anymore. Brittany used to get her charms for her bracelet, over the years she's collected one of a shark, a duck, a dolphin, and a rainbow.

"San, were you crying?" Brittany's words were said in care as she squeezed her hand lightly almost as if it would suck the tears from her eyes. Brittany could always tell when she was distressed and it was nearly impossible to hide it from the blonde.

"I'm fine Britt… " She lied stating it with an amount of ease that could fool anyone, anyone who wasn't Brittany.

"It's okay if you don't want to tell me… I just want to make you feel better." Brittany's words contained a kindness that Santana was never used to but she adored the very quality. Her sweetness made it that much harder to deny the feelings she continued to hide beneath her soul.

Brittany leaned over as she left a trail of kisses along the Latina's cheek all the way to her still moist eyes. "Sweet lady kisses fix everything." She said revealing her pearly white teeth with a smile. Santana couldn't help but blush at the cute little gesture. Brittany was a romantic without even knowing it and it made her stomach churn with butterflies each time the blonde did something sweet.

Santana leaned closer pressing her lips against Brittany's, a light kiss to make her forget about her fathers cowardice or her mothers detachment. But Brittany is the first to pull away the obvious guilt in her chest as she plays with the hem of her skirt, "San, I can't do that anymore… I'm dating Artie." She whispers almost as if she doesn't mean the words. Brittany loved Santana's sweet lady kisses but she knew kissing other people when in a relationship was a no no, Finn and Rachel being her first example.

Santana let out a sigh of disappointment. "It wasn't a kiss Brittany, I just needed some chapstick for my lips. Sam pretty much used all mine yesterday, those god damn froggy lips are very needy." She said lying through her teeth knowing Brittany would eat it up not because she believed it but because Santana had somehow told her to.

Brittany giggled quietly to herself as she now pictured Sam as a frog, "Does he ribbit sometimes, San?" Santana laughed as she lifted herself from the bed leaning over and tugging the hat down so that it covered Brittany's eyes, "Stop being silly… but if by ribbit you mean do horrible impressions then yes, Sam ribbit's quite a lot… it almost takes away from his super fine abs and humongous sized mouth." She says staring off for a moment as she pictured Sam's sculpted abs and how they could almost be as defined as Mike Chang's.

They spent the rest of the night talking about everything from Rachel Berry's supposed party to Kurt's obvious desperation for a boyfriend, specifically a certain curly headed cutie by the name of Blaine. They talked about ducks and geese and about how Puck got less and less attractive each day, he was trying way to hard with Lauren and it had made Santana realize how pathetic he was.

They discussed everything but the rainbow elephant in the room. Brittany knew it was there but she knew Santana wasn't ready to talk about it, so she let it reside in the air letting it fill their lungs but never become words.

Brittany wants Santana to just say it, to just say she loves her and that she wants her to break up with Artie but she knows the words will never escape the girl so she waits patiently. Santana refuses to break her promise, of course she loves Brittany and of course she hates the thought of Artie being the one holding her hand and receiving kisses that should be reserve for her lips only, but she cant allow herself to hurt Brittany, and denying her feelings was the only way of easing the pain for the both of them.

They fell asleep together that night, tightly holding each other for more than just warmth. Their fingers intertwined together with no intention of separating. It was peaceful just lying there with the person they loved most even if it was never verbalized it was obvious in the way they had both become so fragile and vulnerable. It was undeniable, they loved each other and Santana hoped that unlike her parents she could find a way to never let this love die.


	7. Brittany's Promise

It's nearly impossible to understand the level of dedication and care that Santana holds for Brittany and its unfathomable to even attempt to expose her, but Brittany contains a care of the same force that seems to go unnoticed.

Brittany knows. Brittany has always known. She may not be the brightest bulb in the shed of terrible analogies but she wasn't blind and the way Santana pretends as if her feelings ceased to exist is both upsetting and heartbreaking.

She remembers that day at the lake despite what the doctor says about memory loss; it is the only memory that remained so vivid to her. She remembers the water as it rushed into her nose and mouth soon filling her lungs until she felt like she was floating into an abyss. She was the one who had let go first as her hands clutched to nothing. But she wasn't scared because she knew Santana would find her, she knew somehow Santana would bring her back.

It was peaceful but the sound of crying filled her ears as she felt the hard floor pressed against her back. She lay there motionless but fully aware of her surroundings. The way Santana's face was covered in tears, the way she tried desperately to shake the life back into her, it was endearing but useless. She felt cold and tired as if she could drift into a never ending sleep but her eyes remained on the Latina who seemed so broken and torn. She could never forget the complete and utter destruction that filled those brown eyes, it was haunting.

Brittany prayed that day too despite the fact it would have usually caused her to drift into a slumber. She prayed for Santana's tears to stop. She asked God to relieve her best friend of her sorrow and she would follow her forever to make sure nothing would ever cause her to cry like she did right there and then.

The next thing she remembers is a hospital bed and Santana's small body curled up beside her tangled in the wires that were connected to her fingers. She smiles not fully aware of how long she's been there or why but none of it seems to mater, all she can focus on is Santana whose eyes were clear of any tears. God had kept his promise and so in turn she would honor hers.

Santana has never been one to do nice things especially for anyone in Glee club but she finds herself consumed by the broken pieces that call themselves bodies that sit in the choir room each day completely unaware of how destructive they all are to one another. She wants Brittany to learn to face each day by herself, of course she would be there but this time they wouldn't be glued by the pinky like they usually were. The distance was needed to ease the pain.

They haven't spoken in three days. She isn't ignoring her she just wants a taste of what it will be like when she finally lets her go. Because ultimately to protect Brittany she will have to let her go completely. Brittany had already spread her wings seeing as she was just given the title of most fashionable teenager in America; Santana couldn't be more proud of her best friend. She was doing okay without her and a part of her was happy while the other part of her was secretly hoping Brittany would fall apart so that she could piece her back together.

They meet in the hallway regarding the last few days of avoidance as nothing. "Seriously Britt, you have become a fashion institute for both the style rejects like Rachel man hands Berry and a non-sundress chic inspiration for Quinn… it's amazing" Santana says always taking an extra moment to insult Rachel for her constant fashion monstrosities and Quinn's lack of variety in clothing. Brittany's smile overtakes her whole face as she scrunches her nose and blushes, "It's totally cool." Santana leans on the lockers beside her ready to talk about how pathetic Rachel was trying to take credit for Brittany's newfound style when Sam came walking down the hall turning to Santana and giving her a peck on the cheek, "See you in Glee, nga nin lor" (you look beautiful). Santana didn't even acknowledge his presence but rolled her eyes and nodded before pushing his shoulder and giving him a seductive smile as she licked her lips.

Brittany stood there unable to understand Santana and Sam's relationship. They were both nerds at heart and it was sweet how Sam spoke in Navi to her and how the Latina actually understood it seeing as Santana took her to watch Avatar three times though she would never tell anyone. Brittany suddenly felt like the outcast as if Santana had replaced her for another blonde who did adorable stupid things and took her unresponsive behavior as fuel to flame the embers of adoration.

"Anyways, Do you think Quinn will actually show up to Glee rehearsal today, I mean Sam completely humiliated her in front of a crowd of people, it was amazing." Santana said reveling in the very thought of Sam breaking Quinn's heart. Brittany should have been disturbed at this, at Santana's satisfaction at a ruined relationship but she wasn't, instead she laughed along with the Latina as they made their way to their next class.

People think that Santana hated Quinn because she took her head cheerleader position and for some reason coach Sylvester takes a liking to her, but that was far from her reasoning. She loathed the very thought of Quinn Fabray because she had the very thing she had forbidden herself of, she had love.

Everyone knew Sam adored Quinn, the way he was always whispering in her ear and holding her hand, even saying goofy things to make her laugh when they were together. Sometimes it reminds Santana of the way Brittany is with her but she disregards the very comparison because they aren't even a couple and she would never be Quinn Fabray. Quinn cheated on Sam and Santana's heart broke for him, it shouldn't have affected her this much but it did. Sam's love wasn't enough for Quinn and Quinn took it upon herself to go after Finn. It was sickening to even process how grotesque her actions were. Funny they used to call her the whore or the slut when purity ring Fabray was the one who should be wearing the scarlet letter.

That was the only reason Santana was with Sam after all, because she sympathized with him and she knew his heart break needed more than loneliness to be cured. It was actually an act of kindness and not just an attempt at another bitchy move. Well at least Brittany saw it as an act of kindness not that anyone else would, but she didn't expect them to anyways, they didn't know Santana the way she did.

Santana wasn't aware of how much it hurt Brittany when she held Sam's hand or kissed him in the hallways. Brittany felt the same way about Sam the way Santana felt about Artie, jealous. Still she continued to follow Santana into the spanish room, sitting next to her and playing with her dark hair giving no sign of the cracks that lined her heart. She would always be there right beside Santana no matter how much the Latina would cause her heart to ache. Brittany often wondered why Santana gave her these mixed signals, why she kissed her even though they both had boyfriends and why she would etch the word 'love' on her bear stomach after a day of homework but never dare say the words.

Brittany knows that Santana loves her, but she doesn't know why she won't admit it, was she ashamed? or was it something else entirely? Little did she know that Santana was only trying to do what was best for the blonde and love was a dangerous game that Santana just wasn't willing to play.


	8. The Truth Comes Out

They had just come back from Rachel's party which to their surprise wasn't as dull as they expected and they expected it to be worse than sitting through the SAT's. Brittany barely had any clothes on when she and Santana walked into her bedroom crashing on the bed as if it would revive them from their exhaustion.

Santana lies next to her willing to give up her body but never allowing her heart to be taken. Her hand hovering over the blondes abdomen, not touching but enough to feel the heat radiate from her but she pulls away to dry her tears. It was one thing to give affection but another to completely rip yourself open for someone, to have them see the wounds that would never heal or the flaws that remained intact no matter how hard you tried to cover them up. They weren't fooling around or kissing or even holding hands, they just lay there in each others presence as if that was enough, as if that was all that they would allow.

Santana sighs, her fingers tap against her leg unable to reach for the girl beside her no matter how desperate her hands were for Brittany's slender fingers she held back unwilling to cross those lines again. She knew once she touched her she would want to hold her hand and then she would crave for the kisses that would trail down her neck and then it would be over. She would be completely consumed by the blonde and she couldn't allow that. It hurt too much having her and knowing she would be the cause of her heart ache but this felt just as bad, laying beside a girl you love just frozen unable to do anything but watch as the once strong bond began to drift because of a stupid promise.

But it wasn't stupid, not to Santana. In fact it was the only thing that gave her the strength to keep going, to keep pretending she was happy. If Brittany was happy than she was happy, but Brittany wasn't really happy. Artie didn't make her stomach turn to knots the way Santana's did, and he most certainly didn't make her laugh or blush the way Santana always managed to. The blonde was devoted to Santana, her every move her every decision wasn't made until Santana confirmed it. Santana practically pushed her into Artie's arms and now she was trying her best to rip her out of them. Santana's tactics confused her, she didn't know what she was supposed to do. Her heart belonged to the Latina but if only it was that easy.

Santana soon rose as she lets out another sigh smoothening out her skirt as she removed herself from the bed. Brittany rolled over on her side as she stared up at the brown eyed girl. She could see the fear in her eyes, the complete and utter brokenness contained within her pupils. Something was different, something had surfaced that had been hiding deep within her pigments. Brittany was petrified as she slowly sat up preparing herself for what was to come knowing Santana may have been somewhat of an emotionally hysterical drunk but a very serious and broken person when sober.

Santana looked down unable to stare into those blue eyes in fear she would fall even more madly in love with the blonde. "You looked beautiful tonight." The words escaped her in a whisper as she played with her thumbs, it looked like the portrait of a shy girl complimenting her crush with nerves shaking through every bone of her body.

Brittany smiled lightly, seeing Santana this way, so fragile, so delicate, so sweet. It reminded her of the times when they were younger and how Santana would always tell her how beautiful she was, how her eyes resembled stars or her freckles were maps to emerald city. She knew no one ever saw that side of Santana but her and it made the butterflies rise in her stomach, it made her feel whole.

Brittany rose from the bed walking towards Santana who had found the courage to finally look up at her. Her eyes were dark, they were hiding something, something that was tearing her apart inside. Brittany could tell, she could always tell and even though Santana would never give her answers she would stay by her side never questioning her actions only staying completely devoted. Brittany pushed the bangs that stuck to the Latina's forehead to get a better look at her eyes, a smile slowly forming across her features. She didn't say anything, words were never her strong suit but she had other means to showing Santana the way she felt.

Brittany's face lingered in front of Santana's, their lips close enough for a kiss but they stood there taking in each others breath as if it would spark a new life within them. Brittany dove in first this time, her lips lightly pressing against the Latina's pouting lips. It was just a light kiss but it made her feel like she was floating into a heavenly abyss. When the kiss was over they stared at each other memorizing the hue in one another's eyes. Brittany made the first move, her hands reached for Santana's boyish hips pulling her closer until their frames met, until the distance between them was nonexistent.

Santana's hands trembled, her nerves getting the best of her. She knew this couldn't happen, it wasn't because they both had boyfriends or because of the very label of lesbians was thought of as offensive at their school but because it would end terribly. The heart wants what it wants and Santana's came off as fierce and unwavering when really it was all a facade because her heart was weak, it shuttered in the presence of the blonde tearing itself apart with every touch and every kiss.

"Brittany… this isn't right." She managed to whisper as the blonde stood still unable to remove herself from the Latina.

Brittany was confused, she didn't understand this game. Just last week Santana had kissed her despite the fact she claimed she was swiping the chapstick from her lips. Brittany knew when a kiss meant something and that kiss meant something. But now Santana didn't think it was right? Why was she pulling on her heart strings?

"San, why isn't it right… I don't get it." She said as her head turned slightly to the right.

Santana sighed trying to find the words to explain herself, "Because… I love you."

Brittany fell silent. It was the first time Santana had said those words to her, the first time she had probably said them to anyone. She was still confused, if Santana loved her than why was it wrong? Was their love wrong? Were these feelings supposed to be there? She heard the girls talking in spanish class how girls loving other girls was wrong, how it was a sin against humanity and she didn't understand but the words resonated with her. How could any love be wrong?

"Love is never wrong, San" She said in a whisper her eyes still locked with the Latinas.

Santana stood there unable to move, Brittany couldn't possibly understand what she meant but she deserved an explanation.

"…my love is wrong." She managed to mumble as a stray tear rolled down her cheek. "It's sickening and damaging, it's like a parasite digging into your insides until it finishes you off… my love only leaves behind heart ache, and I cant, I just cant… you're heart deserves so much better, you deserve someone who is strong enough to say they love you to everyone without being scared, and I just… I'm not that person, Britt. I'm scared of everything I feel and everything I want to feel… it's easier being with Sam, it's easier knowing I don't love him because love just complicates everything." Her words said one thing but her body said another as she held Brittany's waist tightly unable to find the strength to let her go. Brittany stood there motionless, she understood despite her reputation as a slow and even stupid girl.

"Love is supposed to be easy… when you love someone you love them and there isn't anything complicated about it." Brittany's words were a simple explanation. She always saw things in such simple terms and sometimes Santana wished she saw things the way the blonde did, maybe then it would have been easier, maybe then it wouldn't have hurt this much.

"No Britt, you don't get it. I'm no good for you… I've only ever hurt you and I just can't do it anymore." She said as the tears began to rapidly stroll down her face.

"But San, you could never hurt me." Brittany muttered as she wiped away the tears that bombarded Santana's cheeks.

Her words were innocent and naive as Santana pulled away from her grasp taking a deep breath before speaking once more, "Don't you get it Britt? Hurting you is all I've ever done. That day at the river, I wanted to.. I wanted to die… I just couldn't take it anymore. My parents were in the the middle of a divorce, my grades were slipping, and I was insecure about everything… I didn't want to live anymore. I gave up and I wanted it to be over. I just wanted to float away…but I was selfish and I wanted you to come with me. You almost died for god sake Britt… it should have been me in the hospital hooked up to those wires, it should have been me who suffered the brain damage. Don't you get it? I took everything from you, I took away your love for the piano, I took away your ability to do well in school, I almost took your life… I just want you to be safe, I want to protect you and make you happy but i'm the one who ruins things."

Brittany stood there unable to move her body as each bone tensed up. "I know San… I've always known." Her words broke the silence as Santana gave her a confused look, "What do you mean Britt?"

Brittany didn't move a muscle as she explained, "That day at the river… I knew you wanted everything to just go away… I knew you weren't jumping because you thought it would be fun… you didn't want to come out of the water." Her words were mere whispers as Santana stood there completely surprised.

How could Brittany have known this whole time. Santana was horrified just imagining what it was like knowing your best friend wanted to die. She didn't know how Brittany managed to stay silent all these years. "How did you know, Britt?" She said as she stepped closer to the blonde grasping her hand tightly.

"Everyone thinks I'm stupid that I don't know anything but theres one thing I know and that's you, San. You called your dad that morning and you told him you loved him… you don't tell anyone you love them unless it's important." Brittany's eyes began to tear up as she saw Santana's begin to dry. She had kept this secret for a long time now and it felt like a weight had been lifted from her chest and she could finally breathe.

"Why didn't you try and talk me down then, why did you let me jump, why did you let me drag you along? We could have both died." Santana said with a sense of anxiety in her voice. She was asking so many questions, she just wanted to know the struggles Brittany had been through because of her.

"Because San, no one can talk you out of anything… and I never had a way with words. I was scared when I walked on that cliff because I knew we would both take the dive and I was okay with the fact we would both never come back up… dying with you seemed like such a lovely way to die." That was the last Brittany said before silence filled the room.

Santana wore a stern expression on her face as tears came pouring down her cheeks. This was why she loved Brittany, Brittany who had always known her pain, Brittany who had always been there for her, protecting her. No one would ever understand the complexity of their love but now it seemed so much deeper than that. Brittany couldn't save her from jumping off that cliff so she went with her as if it was the only other choice.

Santana's whole body shook as she crawled into Brittany's arms and cried, her face buried itself in the crook of Brittany's neck unable to keep her emotions bottled up any longer. Brittany just held her, wrapping her arms around Santana's small frame. She would be her cushion if she ever felt like falling again, she would always bear the weight because she loved Santana and when you love someone you'd do anything for them even if it isn't the best for yourself. She knew that if she had a chance to redo everything that day at the river she wouldn't change a thing. She would jump with Santana again even though she was scared and frightened at the thought of dying, it didn't seem to matter because Santana would be there by her side and Santana would never let anything happen to her.

Brittany closed her eyes as Santana continued to sob into the safety of her shoulders, "I love you San... if you want to fall apart i'll always fall apart with you."


	9. Landslide Will Bring You Down

The sun begins to crack through the blinds that cover Brittany's window causing the Latina to slowly stir in the bed. It was different waking up next to her. Tangled together on the sheets fully clothed yet they felt completely exposed. Santana's arms are wrapped around Brittany's hips in a tight hold unable to let go for even a moment the fear she may slip away and never return resonates in her head. Santana is curled up against the blonde and it seems peaceful and easy, the tears that reside along the curves of her face from last night had dried and she now lays within the blondes arms feeling as if she could handle this, whatever this was. She groans, nuzzling her face into the crook of Brittany's neck, inhaling the sweetness that the blonde had always given off. Her eyes slowly open as a smile creeps onto her face. Brittany is lying there completely serene and beautiful despite the fact that her make up was smeared and her hair was covering one of her eyes.

Santana slowly lifts herself from the comforts of Brittany's arms to wipe the strands of hair from the blondes face. She gazes down at her and then kisses her forehead lightly before her phone starts to vibrate in her pocket. She quickly grabs it and opens the text from Sam being careful not to make anymore noise to wake sleeping beauty.

"Are you okay? You've missed two classes already, hope you don't have a hangover." The text seemed sweet, Sam cared about her as far as she could tell, but he didn't love her and she didn't love him; she seemed more grateful for that than hurt. She let out a long sigh as she closed her phone putting it back into the safety of her pocket, lifting herself from the bed as she tried to collect the courage to leave without a word.

For a moment she stares at the fragile girl on the bed curled up in the sheets with a small smile on her face. Every time her chest rises to breathe in air Santana feels her heart sink into her stomach, just knowing that they had fallen asleep next to each other so carelessly as if it was second nature. It wasn't about sex or attention or anything like that, it was just peaceful. Laying next to someone you love, holding them, whispering sweet nothings, wiping the stray tears. No boyfriend had ever done that for Santana and she knows that none ever would.

It shouldn't be this hard to leave, it should be just like any other time she slept over. An easy walk out the door without any attachment but this time it became so much more difficult. She didn't want to leave, she didn't want to say goodbye. She wanted to lay beside the blonde until someone put missing posters out on the streets. She just wanted to hold her and tell her over and over how much she loved her but that seemed out of reach. She was too weak to admit to something like that again. She relieves a deep sigh as she slowly leaves the room letting herself out of the Pierce's home.

After a hot shower and a change of clothes Santana is roaming the halls of Mckinley, luckily she only missed her first three classes. Fourth period was sex ed and to her surprise Miss Holiday was filling in. She takes a seat in the back row hoping to go unnoticed. Miss Holiday already has Mike putting condoms on a cucumber when Brittany walks through the door obviously late. She's wearing the fuzzy blue hat that Santana got her years ago as she walks to the back of the class to her usually reserved seat next to the Latina. Brittany flashes a wide smile as she reaches for Santana's hand but Santana pulls away unable to look her in the eye.

What was Brittany doing, why was she holding her hand, they had agreed a long time ago that pinkies would be the only holding in their relationship. And that's when Santana realizes what has happened. She knows Brittany thinks last night meant something and even though it did Santana would deny it. She had been replaying the conversation, the endearing 'i love you's' and she knows that she should say something, that she should clear things up, but what was there to clear up. Brittany was right after all, love should be simple, their was nothing to clear up because they did love each other and their was nothing more to it than that.

Brittany is confused at the way Santana has been acting but tries to calm herself by staring down at her shoes. When the bell rings Santana rushes to the door exiting the room without even saying goodbye to the blonde. The hurt on Brittany's face is obvious, knowing she had shared a night of confessions and love only to come back to reality as if it had never happened. She should be used to it, she should be over it by now but this time it was different, it wasn't just sex, it wasn't just a kiss, it was something more. Santana didn't want to be chased so Brittany let her run. She would always let Santana have her way even if it would leave her shattered.

They couldn't avoid each other any longer seeing as they both had to be at glee rehearsal. Miss Holiday joined Glee rehearsal and was eager to do a song. She grabbed Santana's hand pulling her to the front of the room as she cued Brad for the piano. Santana loved singing and the last time Miss Holiday was in glee they had planned to sing for the whole club but never got around to it because Santana backed out at the last minute, but this time Miss Holiday wasn't taking no for an answer. All eyes were on them two as Santana's hands began to shake. She thought she would love the attention especially having the lead vocal but this was different because the song had meant so much more to her than any of them could understand. Still she decided she would sing the song with Holly even if it made her nervous. She inhaled taking a deep breath and began. She faltered on each word and Miss Holiday caught on knowing Santana was having a difficult time with the song so she took the liberty in singing the lines as Santana sang back up.

_I took my love and i took it down_

_i climbed a mountain and i turned around_

_and i saw my reflection in the snow covered hills till the landslide brought me down_

Her eyes fluttered back and forth from Brittany to the floor, it was rare finding Santana at a moment of vulnerability but she stood there all emotions exposed as she sang the very things that had been scratching inside her chest for the past few weeks; she sang it for her, she sang it for Brittany, every word.

_oh mirror in the sky_

_what is love?_

_can the child within my heart rise above?_

_can i sail through the changing ocean tides?_

_can i handle the seasons of my life_

_well i've been afraid of changing_

_cause i've built my life around you_

_but time makes you bolder_

_children get older_

_i'm getting older too_

_so take this love take it down_

_oh if you climb a mountain and you turn around_

_if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills_

_well the landslide will bring you down_

After the last note all that could be heard was the sound of clapping and whistling, but they didn't know how hard it was to sing that song, to sing it for someone who meant everything. Santana looked at Brittany during the whole performance unable to break eye contact afraid she would forget the hue of the blondes blue eyes. When it was over she put on a feigned smile trying desperately to hide the emotions she felt. The bell rang and everyone scattered. Too scared for confrontation Santana rushed out of the choir room avoiding Brittany.

She is in the hallway when Sam greets her with a light kiss on the cheek. She doesn't smile but continues walking. Sam is used to the rejection by now and walks with her, "That song was great, you should definitely get more solo's… so, did you hear Artie and Brittany broke up this morning. No one saw it coming." Santana stopped in her tracks, she didn't understand and needed time to digest the new information, "What do you mean lady lips? Why did they break up?" She said eager for an answer. How could Brittany break up with Artie, just the other day they were smitten for each other and now they weren't together?

"I don't know, Artie said she broke up with him because she was in love with someone else… kind of harsh don't you think? I mean she could have come up with a better lie." Sam said with a chuckle as he continued to walk. Santana pulled him by the collar of his shirt the expression on her face was one of anger. "What makes you think Brittany is lying?" Sam gulped down hard as his smile and chuckle faded, "i don't know, Brittany kind of loves everyone but she doesn't really 'love' anyone you know?" He said trying hard not to say the wrong thing before Santana decides to pull his blonde locks instead of his collar. Santana lets go of him as she looked down at the floor. Brittany was in love with her, that was why she broke up with Artie, it was obvious. "I have to go to class. I'll see you after school, bowl cut." She said with a certain harshness that he waived off. Sam puckered his lips ready for a goodbye kiss but Santana held her finger to his guppy mouth shaking her head, "No kisses for you blonde." She said with a smirk as she walked down the hallway to her next class.

Santana is turning the corner in the hallway when Brittany pulls her aside, "Hey, San." She says with a happiness that Santana knows she will soon destroy just like she always does. "Brittany, why did you break up with Stephen Hawking?" She commanded almost as if she forgot how to greet her best friend. Brittany just stood there as her hand reached for Santana's in a tight grasp, "Because I love you and you love me… that song you sang in Glee… it was for me… and last night…" The blonde couldn't even finish her statement before Santana interrupted her, "No Brittany, it was just a song, just a stupid song that Miss Holiday made me sing, and last night… nothing happened last night, okay." She said pulling her hand from Brittany's grip and folding them over her chest as if to close off all emotions. Nothing really happened last night, it wasn't as if they had sex or anything although Santana is starting to believe it would be easier if that's all that happened because sex was easy, love was difficult.

The smile Brittany once wore had now faded as her eyes began to water, "…okay." She managed to mutter through her sadness. Brittany would always let Santana have her way, she would always agree with her even though she knew she shouldn't. She knows that song was for her, every lyric and every note, it was for her no matter what Santana's mouth said. She knew the song said more than the Latina ever would.

The bell rings and Santana walks away from her like she always does leaving the blonde alone in the empty hallway. Brittany clutched her binder as if expecting it to hold her but knowing it wasn't the comfort she wanted. She lets her tears fall to the ground leaving it as physical evidence of the destruction Santana had left behind. She wasn't scared of crying the way Santana was, and she wasn't scared of loving someone the way Santana was. In fact Brittany knew the cost of love, she knew that when you loved someone you were giving them your heart, trusting that they would be careful not to let it crack. She should have known better than to give her heart to Santana, she should have known better than to willingly slip it into the Latina's chest but it was better than lying to herself. Because Brittany could never love anyone the way she loved Santana and it was better to give her heart to her knowing it would break into little pieces than to let it slowly rot inside her own chest.


	10. Just A Silly Song

The choir room was filled as the glee clubbers continued to gossip and plan songs for nationals (if they even reach regionals). Brittany sat in the back as she watched Santana play with Sam's golden locks as if she was actually interested in him but she wasn't fooling anyone.

The broken smile upon the Latina's face made Brittany cringe in discomfort. How could she continue to pretend she was in love with Sam when they both knew she wasn't. Brittany could always read Santana, just by looking at her she could tell the fragile girl was unhappy. She was lying to herself but more than anything she was trying to protect herself from falling completely in love. She knew Santana saw love like a horror movie, just waiting until it died out and the credits rolled. She was scared that her and Brittany would end just like every other high school relationship at least as friends they could always be close without the threat of a breakup but being friends just wasn't enough anymore.

Brittany stood up unable to take the way Santana dangled her relationship with Sam in front of her expecting her to just sit back and accept it. She had never been one for confrontation or jealousy but Brittany needed to do something, anything to make the Latina feel the way she felt right now. She went to the center of the room as she looked at Mr. Shue.

"Can I sing something…" She said in a low voice as Mr. Shue seemed surprised at the sudden initiative coming from the blonde. "Sure Brittany, who are you singing this number for?" He asked as he took a seat among the other students.

Brittany looked in Santana's direction as she cleared her throat, "Um… it's for… Charity… my cat." She finally said after a long pause. Santana exhaled in relief, she wasn't ready for Brittany to sing her a song in front of the entire glee club and somehow Brittany understood.

Most people didn't realize that Brittany didn't have a cat named Charity. It was a code word her and Santana came up with freshman year. Brittany was always the affectionate type, wanting to say sweet things and i love you's in the hallway but Santana didn't want people thinking they were in love with each other so she told Brittany to just come up with a name and later that day Brittany was roaming the halls telling everyone how much she loved Charity or how beautiful Charity's hair was and so on.

After handing Brad the music sheet she cleared her throat once more as she sat down on the stool that lay in the center of the room. She began to sing:

_I was always late, you never afraid, that we could be falling._

_All our friends would say, maybe we should wait, but they cant see whats coming_

_And to this day, when everything breaks, you are the anchor that holds me_

_And that is why we'll always make it_

Brittany rose from the stool as she walked closer to the chairs, her eyes unable to leave Santana's. She just wanted the Latina to understand that this wasn't her struggle alone, that she too had been struggling with what they had, what they would always have.

_How i know your face, all the ways you move, you come in, i can read you_

_You're my favorite book_

_All the things you say, the way you shift your eyes_

_I never knew there was someone to make me come alive_

The sound of clapping filled the room as Santana let go of Sam's hand finding comfort in her usual crossed arms as she stared at the blonde. Sam leaned in closer to her whispering, "She must really love her cat." He said completely unaware that Brittany was singing to her. Santana rolled her eyes at Sam's comment as she tried to ignore him, giving her full attention to the blonde who was singing her heart out.

_When the days are long and the thunder with the storm can always get me crying_

_You can make my bed, i'll fall into it, shattered but not lonely_

_Because i never knew a home until i found your hands_

_When i'm weathered you come to me, you're my best friend_

Brittany found her way back to the stool as she sang the last few lines, her eyes mirroring glass as they watered. It was nearly impossible to keep her emotions on a leash now that the lyrics had become the words her soul had been dying to speak.

_And that is why we'll always make it_

_And when we're making love_

_i'd give up everything for your touch_

The choir room echoed in whistling and claps as Mr. Shue rose from the chair patting Brittany on the back, "Nice job Brittany. I must admit I was expecting something with a beat but you've managed to turn this song into such a powerful ballad, I am really proud of you." Brittany nodded her head giving a small smile as she went back to her seat, her eyes still on Santana.

When the bell rang Santana waited outside for Brittany to come out, taking a deep breath she pulled the blonde aside, "Britt… that was… uh… a nice song." It was all she could mutter, she didn't know what to say. She wanted to tell Brittany how sorry she was for everything and how she adored the song but none of that came out. Brittany didn't seem surprised, she knew Santana could never truly say the things she wanted, "It was just a song, just a silly song for my cat." Brittany said with a certain harshness that surprised the Latina. Brittany was mocking Santana's own words from the other day when she sang Landslide. She wanted Santana to feel just like she did, how her heart tore from the ligaments in her chest only to be stepped on. Santana had hurt her so many times she's begun to believe the pain was almost natural and now it was Santana's turn to endure the same treatment for once.

Santana looked down, she deserved that. Before she could even find the courage to say something else Brittany was already down the hall. She sighed as she went back in the choir room sitting beside Sam as he played with his phone. She didn't know why she was even with him, maybe it was his froggy lips that reminded her of Brittany's or his blonde hair she couldn't be sure. She rubbed the back of his neck as she leaned into him kissing him roughly parting her lips, her tongue sliding into his mouth dancing around his but he slowly pulled away. "Whoa there, I love kissing you but can we take it slow." He said resting a hand on her leg as she scoffed and pulled away crossing her arms over her chest, "Whatever lady lips, any guy would kill to suck face with me."

Sam turned towards her relieving a deep sigh, "Santana, I like you, I mean you're independent, you make me laugh, and you're just amazing… but do you love me?" He said in a mere whisper as Santana looked towards him a surprised look on her face, "… I love them froggy lips." She said leaning closer to him with a seductive smile as she rubbed his leg. Sam stood up from the chair pulling away from her, "I cant do this Santana, love when you're ready not when you're lonely." With those words Sam headed towards the door. Santana didn't understand, no one breaks up with her. She quickly rose to her feet as she shouted at him, "Really Evans? I don't need you it's like a buffet out there and I can have any prime choice meat I want." She said crossing her arms as her bitch face soon returned. Sam turned around staring at her, he didn't understand why she tried to act so tough like she was immune to heartbreak when inside he could tell she was shattered, "Too bad you don't want any guy on the menu." He said in a low whisper before leaving the room. Santana stood there alone as her bitch face soon diminished into a frown. He was right, she didn't want any guy at the school, she just wanted Brittany.


	11. Like Father, Like Daughter

Santana sits at the empty dinner table unable to find the strength to go up stairs and sleep because sleeping meant dreaming and dreaming meant finding comfort, comfort she knew she didn't deserve. She lets out a deep sigh, the clock reaches just past three a.m. and she knows she should feel tired but she just feels a deep misery as if she was slowly deteriorating from the inside.

She doesn't know how to be anyone other than the queen bitch with a short temper and a quick tongue, she doesn't know how to express her feelings in kind words nor is she able to admit to the simplest truths.

Despite Santana's inability to display any kind of compassion, Brittany has always understood. But now things have fallen apart, Santana should have known she couldn't keep this up, the way she treats Brittany as if her love was a toy to be played with, tugging and pulling, rejecting and denying, it became too difficult to bear the agony and Brittany was finally standing up for herself. A part of Santana was proud that Brittany could let her go or at least try to but the other part of her ached for the blonde. How was it that protecting Brittany hurt her so much? How was it that loving Brittany hurt even more?

The front door begins to creak open as her father stands in the doorway removing his shoes and placing his briefcase by the coat hanger. Santana doesn't flinch, she doesn't even acknowledge his presence as he walks into the kitchen surprised. "Mija, it's late, what are you doing up? You need to head to bed." He leaned over kissing her forehead, it was a simple form of affection but Santana couldn't remember the last time her father had even hugged her let alone kissed her forehead the way he used to when she was ten before she went to sleep. It pains her knowing how much she misses him and how she can never truly bring herself to tell him how much she hates his job, the way it takes up all his time, the way it makes them drift farther away from one another.

Her dad began loosening his tie as he grabbed a glass filling it with water. Santana rose from her chair staring at him, the way he could just stroll into this house completely oblivious to everything, completely unaware of how broken his own daughter was. She wonders if he even cares or if he's too busy drowning in his own self denial and misery to recognize hers. She realizes how much alike they are, the way he continues to drown himself in work just to forget her mother, similarly she has been drowning herself in Sam's lips and Glee rehearsals to get her mind off Brittany.

Her tiny hands clench into fists as she folds them over her chest, "Why did you let her go?" It was a mere whisper but enough to echo through the empty kitchen. Her dad looked down as he slowly turned around putting on a feigned smile that had mirrored her own at some point, "What do you mean sweetheart?" He said placing the glass on the counter as he too folded his arms over his chest.

She could almost laugh at them, how completely unwilling they were to open up, to express themselves, to admit to the simple little truths. They were shielding themselves as a cheap defense one that Santana has learned doesn't work well on people that love you. "… you know what I mean." She said in a stern voice as her shoulders slouched back. Her father sighed as the once fake smile diminished, "… sometimes we let go of the people we love because it's whats best for them." He finally said as if trying to convince himself it was true.

Santana winced at the words as she stood still for a moment, "Do you really believe that?" She said in a softer tone as he stood there completely unaware that she was trying to ask him for advice, some wise words, something to help her with her own situation.

He looked up at her shrugging his shoulders, "No… not anymore, anyways. I think if you love someone you never really let them go and they never really let you go, even if they're off with someone else or say things that may hurt you, it just means they still care, that they just want you to care too…" His words were not what she was expecting, but she let them soak in before she spoke again, "Why didn't you fight for Mami… didn't you love her?" It was a simple question, but even she knew it was a sensitive topic, one that they had never really talked about when her mother left.

Her father let out another deep sigh as if he already knew the answer but hesitated due to the fact he had never verbalized his reasoning to anyone before. "I love your mother more than anything in the world… but I was scared… it's funny, I fought so hard to get into medical school, to keep my residency at the hospital, but I didn't fight for her like I fought for everything else and I should have. You know how your mother is, the way she always knows the right words to say or how to comfort anyone… she made me weak and I didn't know how to accept her love… she waited until I gave her a reason to give up…" The tone within the kitchen became somber as both their eyes drifted to the floor as if they had both realized something.

Her father had finally admitted he still loved her mother, although not once did he ever say those words when they were married. While Santana was slowly realizing how unacceptable her behavior had been the last few weeks towards Brittany, the way she failed to admit the things she felt or acknowledge the very feelings, or the way she continued to build these walls to keep everyone out when she should have known better to let Brittany within the confines of her heart because all Brittany did was love her, it was all she could ever do. Even now as Brittany tried her best to act strong and tough, the way she tried ignoring her or tried to drop little hints of her animosity, it failed; every time Brittany tried to avoid her she would catch the blondes blue eyes gazing at her when no one was looking or after she said something blunt she would look down at her shoes as if she didn't mean it. Brittany had always been terrible at being a bitch even though Santana was fully aware how much she deserved it.

Santana walked over to her father pulling him in a tight hold her arms wrapping around his waist. She just wanted to hold him for a moment because she had forgotten what it felt like to be loved. It never used to bother her before because Brittany would hold her tight every chance she got or kiss her neck or even play with her hair but the past few days she had been untouched by anyone since Sam, who had also broken up with her. Her father held her as if he had also longed for the simple act of affection, "If you love someone, Mija, don't let them go… I've already made that mistake, I don't want you to either." He said in a whisper as he kissed her forehead once more.

That was the first time her father had ever been completely exposed, completely open about his feelings and she stood there holding a man who she had always seen as strong willed and courageous but now he just seemed human, he seemed fragile and regretful. She could see into the depths of his false bravery, how crushed he was, how broken and bruised, but more than anything she could tell how he would give anything for another chance. She didn't want to make the same mistakes as her father, she didn't want to become cold and distant like he was, but more than anything she didn't want Brittany to become like her mother, replacing the once compassionate nature for isolation and feigned happiness.

Sometimes Santana believes her father brought out the best in her mother, and when they divorced the once caring and kind nature had disappeared leaving only a woman who didn't know what else to do but go far away from the things that caused her pain. She doesn't want to push Brittany away like that, she doesn't want the genuine and kind nature to disappear from the blonde the way it disappeared from her mother.


	12. She's Bending

During Glee Mr. Shue decided that the class needed to convey more passion into their songs. They had to sing with heart, so their assignment this week was breaking away from there usual song selection in order to dig deep into their hearts for a hidden passion. But everyone has different kinds of hearts, some are weak, some are strong, others are struggling in the middle. Everyone began to analyze the way their own hearts worked, how it was more than just an organ but a physical representation of themselves, how they acted, and who they were.

Mr. Shue calls on Santana, "What kind of heart do you have?" He asks pointing her out in front of the whole class. Santana debates whether she wants to give a truthful answer or if she should just reply with her usual snarky remark. She could never be honest to these people so she leaned back in her chair as a smirk arose on her face, "I have a weak heart... but don't worry I've got a killer healthcare plan." She said as she crossed her arms in front of her chest successfully shielding herself from all vulnerability. Her answer contained a truth that the others would regard as a lie due to the way she poked fun at her own frailty but Brittany didn't release a chuckle like the others, only she was able to see past this defense. The bell rang and within minutes the choir room was empty as everyone filled the halls.

Santana's heart is made of stone. It begins to slide from the comfort of her chest scraping against her insides until it falls into her stomach; the acids eat away at it until it diminishes into a small pebble. But every time Brittany grazes her forearm or pulls her into a tight hold, the kind that makes her question whether she will ever let go, the once stone heart begins to grow flesh. It contains a beat thumping faster and faster desperate for the thing that makes it race. Craving for her touch, her warmth, her love. The heart becomes real.

It begins to slowly peel, layer by layer with each kiss Brittany gives to Artie, each silly comment that used to be reserved for her ears only. It turns into an excruciating pain that can only be relieved with sweet lady kisses but it must settle for froggy lips from Sam. Although it wont heal the wounds that lay within the heart it serves as a poor substitute, a temporary medicine to ease the aching for a few moments before the unrestrained affliction begins again.

The heart knows what it wants but it is scared and unwilling to find the courage embedded within the veins that connect the heart to the rest of her fragile body. It's weak, finding only strength in the curled fists that shake with an unrelenting animosity towards everyone and everything. Jealousy becomes her blood, pushing through her veins in hopes to find some sort of cure. The rage begins with the clench of her jaw, the grind of her perfect teeth, and ends with a throbbing sting of her own misery draining back into her core.

The heart slowly but surely begins to crack. The crevice is deep and almost beyond repair. It remains completely concealed to the outside as if there is nothing where her heart should be but her deception begins to fall behind as the anguish becomes apparent on her features. It used to be easy hiding her ability to feel but lately she has been drowning in her own emotions desperate for air to fill her lungs, air that only the blonde can give to her.

This game that they continue to play is reaching an end; although both have lost all strength by now it has also begun to drain all their hope. Santana doesn't know how to give in to anyone, and Brittany has given in so many times she feels empty like a candy dispenser that has been flocked with children.

It used to be enough, just to know that Santana was capable of love despite the fact those tender words would never leave her lips. Lately Brittany has tried to convince herself that Santana cares, that she will always care but it remains a difficult task as the Latina refuses to take their friendship any further leaving only mixed signals and broken hearts.

The anatomy of Brittany's heart is much different than that of Santana's, where Santana's remained heavy and bruised hers was soft, gentle even, like a plush toy with the seams beginning to fray. Her heart beats with a kindness that radiates to the people around her searching for a way to bring a smile onto another. Her heart is strong, it knows what it wants and it wants the very thing that it cannot have. The very thing that makes it shutter within the confines of her ribcage. Although it is the cause of her hearts destruction she is still capable of forgiveness and her plush heart wants so desperately to find that stone heart to make it beat with life. The comforting sound of their hearts that she used to hear when they found solace in her bedroom and sweet lady kisses would embed their mark on her neck as if those lips were meant for only her and no one else. Their hearts would beat as one, at first fast from the adrenaline and then a slower pace until it felt natural.

It's not the same when she was with Artie, their hearts beat out of place and would never coincide to make the beautiful sound that her's and Santana make and she knows no one could ever work so well with her heart like Santana's did. That's why she ended things with Artie, she couldn't lead someone on knowing she didn't love them, but then again she could never love anyone the way she loved Santana. And maybe that was why Santana and Sam broke up, because their hearts didn't beat with one another either.

They both felt broken, ruined, and lost. Their hearts were missing a vital piece, each other. They craved one another like a terrible habit knowing that their love was difficult but it wasn't bad. It was never bad love.

Santana is more than scared now, she is aching. She has never been afraid to go after the things she wanted like the head cheerios position or a lead solo but now she cowered behind unwilling to fight for the only thing that ever really mattered, Brittany.

It hurt when the blonde walked away from her, and it hurt even more knowing she let her go without a fight.

Santana the brave, Santana the bold, Santana the bitch… Santana the coward. She used to tell herself that she was scared of breaking Brittany's heart that she promised to always do what was best for the blonde but lately she has begun to dig deep into the depths of her heart where she realized her fear stemmed not from the heartache that seemed inevitable for Brittany but rather the very act of loving someone.

She was scared of loving Brittany. Brittany who knows exactly what to say to make her laugh, Brittany who is always there to comfort her, Brittany who continues to love her even when she's taken away all reason to.

All Brittany has ever done was bend but now it seemed as if she had successfully been broken leaving the fragments scattered on the floor, the fragments of which only Santana could pick up and piece back together. But Santana would never bend.

The further she pushes the blonde away the harder Brittany tries but that wasn't the case anymore. Brittany had finally found the strength to stand up to Santana's stubborn ways. She couldn't bend anymore, she was already shattered.

Brittany walked through the halls with a sadness in her eyes unable to find a spark of happiness. She doesn't know what to do; Santana told her to wait, so she waited. Santana told her she loved her, so she said the words back. Santana told her it meant nothing, so she nodded in confirmation. But she grew tired of the games, tired of the denial. Brittany had only ever wanted to love Santana, to her it was easy. Lately she has been losing hope, she's grown weary and all the things that used to make her happy only remind her of the Latina which only makes the threads of her plush heart tear. It was Santana's turn to bend.

Santana watches the blonde standing just a few feet away from her in the hallway yet she seemed eons away. If she could look at herself right now she would snicker at her own fear. She was too scared to even approach Brittany as if speaking with her would cause physical pain. But Santana doesn't know what to say, she has never been good at expressing her emotions with words and she doesn't want to hurt Brittany more than she already has.

Santana relieves a deep sigh as she turns around walking away from her unable to find the courage to apologize or even say hi. Brittany watches Santana walk away and she's glad that Santana does because it meant that she knew something was wrong, whether or not she was ready to fix it was another thing, but for now Brittany found hope in the way Santana could at least address her fears.

Sam had broken up with Santana just a few days ago but she isn't devastated or heartbroken because she knows he meant nothing. Brittany sees Sam in the hall watching Santana and she sees relief in his eyes as if he's glad he is free from her grasp, as if he was happy to be away from her. Brittany knows no one truly understands how to love Santana, everyone only sees lust in her eyes but she doesn't.

How could anyone not love her stone heart? How could anyone resist her sharp tongue or curled fists? Brittany adored everything about the Latina but the thing she adored the most were her flaws. Her stubborn attitude, her raging jealousy, her inability to say the things she feels. Brittany loves these things about Santana because only she knows how to deal with the flaws that others refuse to have the patience for.

After school Brittany sit's at the piano in the empty auditorium as she played a few simple notes that a toddler could probably reproduce. Santana slowly walks up the stairs to the stage as she sits next to Brittany looking down at the black and white keys. Her fingers press the keys lightly copying the song that Brittany had just played. "… vroom vroom." she said in a quiet and barely audible whisper imitating the sound of a car as it reminded her of the time when they were younger where the piano was nothing more than a musical car.

Brittany's eyes gazed at the Latina, she was still bitter, she just wanted Santana to care, that was the only reason why she had been harsh with her a couple days ago after her performance. "… it's not a car, San." She said bitterly removing her hands from the piano and her feet from the brass peddles. Santana gave her a warm smile as she looked up into those blue eyes. She knew Brittany was trying to be brave that she was trying to give her the cruelty she deserved but she couldn't help but smile at the way her words came out ruthless but her eyes conveyed a sense of compassion screaming for forgiveness. "It doesn't matter if it's a car or not, you're still the driver and i'll always be the passenger." Santana said in a mere whisper. There were things that Santana refused to let go of and this was one of those precious things she would never deny because throughout life Brittany had always been by her side, they were always together, driver and passenger.

Brittany grasped Santana's hand squeezing lightly, she couldn't continue the tough act anymore. She tried to come off harsh but it never suited her. It didn't feel right especially when it was aimed at Santana. "I'm sorry I was mean… I just wanted to get through to you somehow…" She said as her eyes drifted to the floor.

Santana sighed as the smile she once had began to fade, "I deserved it, Britt. If I were you I would have given up a long time ago… if I were you I would hate me." She said in a low whisper as she clutched the blondes hand tightly almost as if Brittany would come to the realization and leave.

Brittany's eyes gazed at Santana's and for a moment she can see the crack inside her heart, she was bending.

"I've tried to hate you… but loving you is all I know how to do." Brittany's words pierced through Santana's heart as her brown eyes met Brittany's. Her eyes began to water, she didn't understand how Brittany could have this much love for her, how no matter how many times she hurt her somehow Brittany continued to love her unconditionally. No one had ever cared about her the way the blonde did and she knows that no one probably ever would.

"Hurting you is all I've ever done Brittany… I don't know how to love you... and I wish i did." She said as tears began to roll down her face. Santana didn't know how to love anyone, she tries though. When they were nine and Brittany fell off her bike Santana kissed her wounds hoping to relieve the pain because her dad told her that love meant making the bad things go away.

"Yes you do. You don't see it but I do… the doctor said that I wouldn't be able to remember anything after that day at the river but you always remind me and sometimes I remember… I'll never forget that you love me… that everything you do is for me… loving me is all you've ever done, San." Brittany's words had caused the tears to stream down Santana's face without hesitation as a sniffle escaped her. Santana didn't even have to explain herself because Brittany had already known, she had already known how much she loved her and why she did the things she did.

Santana slowly rested her head on Brittany's shoulder clutching her hand tightly as their fingers intertwined with one another, "I'm sorry, for everything... my heart is weak." She whispered to the blonde in a raspy voice finally admitting what kind of heart she had that she would have never confessed truthfully in Glee.

"My heart is strong enough for the both of us." Brittany replied giving a small smile as if she was telling Santana it was okay, that she was okay with waiting.

Santana relieved a heavy sigh as she clutched onto Brittany's arm desperately wishing she was as brave as the blonde but knew it would take time for her to be able to hold Brittany's hand in public or show even the slightest affection. She was still scared of the ridicule they would have to face. Sometimes she wished they could go somewhere they would be accepted for who they were and who they loved. "Just take us somewhere far away from here, Britt." Santana managed to mumble as she closed her eyes trying to enjoy the peace knowing it was a rarity to be valued.

Brittany settled her feet back on the brass peddles as she played simple notes on the piano with one hand. The music filled the empty auditorium as the notes echoed up and down the aisles. "...vroom vroom." Brittany mumbled as she continued to play.

In that moment they both seemed at ease, they were both happy. Despite the fact Santana still failed to bring up the status of their relationship the blonde didn't seem to care because in that moment she knew that Santana had bent for her, and that was enough for now.


	13. Coming Out

Brittany's family was very different from Santana's in almost every aspect. Her parents were happily married, they had their fights but at the end of the day they would always make up, they had agreed a long time ago they should never go to bed angry. Unlike Santana, Brittany was not an only child. She had a younger sister, Emily, she was five years old with light blue eyes and golden blonde hair that resembled Brittany's, and an older brother, Jeremy, he was twenty four now but she hadn't seen him in months since he joined the army.

Brittany's parents had always taught her to be kind, loving, and accepting. The first time Brittany told her mother she was in love she was ten, just before the incident at the lake.

She could recall it so distinctively, how her mother came into her room with warm milk ready to tuck her in. She had a big grin on her face as she wore the fuzzy blue hat that Santana got for her unwilling to take it off even when she slept. Her Mom kissed her forehead whispering 'I love you.'

She remembers it so vividly because before her mother left her room she rose from the sheets and asked her Mom, "How do you know you're in love?" A simple question that a child probably shouldn't be asking their parents but Brittany's mother didn't hesitate as she sat down on the corner of the bed with a smile, "… you just know." Brittany gave a small smile as she twirled the strings from her hat in a knot, "I'm in love with someone, Mommy." Her mother smiled as she grasped her daughters hand, "Who is the lucky person, sweetheart, I'm sure your father would like to have a stern talking with them." She said with a small chuckle. Brittany just looked up at her mother unafraid to let the name leave her lips, "I love Santana." Her mother only rose from the bed giving her daughter another kiss on the forehead before walking towards the door but before she left she turned back to look at Brittany, "…I know."

Her mother had always known how infatuated she was with Santana, the way she followed her everywhere and looked at her so lovingly. Never did her mother say it was wrong, never did her mother say anything about loving someone of the same sex. Love was love, it was that simple.

While Brittany found herself attracted to both boys and girls Santana convinced herself she could only ever love a boy, but it seemed Brittany was her only exception. Brittany was raised to believe that love was fluid while Santana had to slowly learn that love wasn't restricted by ones sex but depended on the bond between two people, a bond her and Brittany shared. Santana had never verbalized her sexuality nor did she ever plan on doing so but she knew one day she would have to.

After that day in the auditorium things seemed easier. The hidden angst between them had slowly subsided, Brittany knew Santana cared about her, about them, but she wasn't nearly ready to label it; she was okay with giving Santana time to figure it all out, even though she had grown to hate the waiting. She would wait for Santana until the very end of time because without her she felt incomplete; at least this way she could still have hope, hope that one day she would be ready.

They are by their lockers, Santana is on a rant about the new vest Mr. Shue is wearing and how his closet is probably a dungeon of collared shirts and ties when they hear a group of cheerios walk by snickering in their direction. At first Santana doesn't notice since she never makes it her business to pay attention to anyone but herself and Brittany, but when the same group of girls begin to point at them she notices.

"Why are they laughing at us, San?" Brittany says clutching her binder close to her chest as she begins to feel her heart sink.

The littlest of things could make Brittany sad and knowing that Santana immediately slammed her locker putting on her bitch face as she walked towards the group of girls, her arms were folded protectively over her chest as she leaned on one leg glaring at the red headed girl in a cheerios uniform in the center of the group. "Hey Firecrotch, you have something to say to us?" She said with a fierceness that Brittany at times adored.

The red headed girl rolled her eyes at the comment as a fake smile overtook her face, "Oh of course not… Santana the Lezzi Lopez." The last part was said in haste as she began laughing along with the other girls.

Brittany stood by Santana already knowing this would probably end terribly considering Santana was already grinding her teeth. She watched attentively as Santana's delicate hands formed into tight fists, her jaw clenching as her eyes narrowed on her prey. She was never one to stay still during times of humiliation and Brittany was too late to hold back the Latina as Santana had stepped forward into the circle of giggling cheerios, a stern look firmly planted on her face.

Brittany steps forward following Santana's lead as she managed to quietly whisper something, "San, why did she call you Lezzi… doesn't she know your middle name?" Brittany muttered unable to understand what the girl meant.

The red headed girl became hysterical as she heard the words escape the blondes mouth. "Wow, Brittany you really are as stupid as they say you are…" Before the red headed girl could continue her laughing spree Santana's clenched fist came pounding down on her face as blood rushed from her nose causing the girl to fall back. Santana wouldn't allow anyone to call Brittany stupid and everyone around school knew better than to say anything mean about the blonde in front of her. The girl should have known the consequences before she even thought about taking a personal attack on Brittany.

The other girls let out a shriek as the Latina stepped over the red head grabbing her by her cheerios top and holding her up before wailing once more on the girls face. She didn't stand a chance against the fiery Latina. It took a few more punches before the other girls attempted to pull Santana from their friend.

Brittany grabbed her folder and slammed it against one of the cheerios who was pulling on Santana's jacket, as she shouted, "Stop the violence!" Brittany would never resort to violence but when someone was trying to hurt Santana she would make an exception.

It took three football players and a teacher to finally break up the fight.

They are sitting in Mrs. Pillsbury's office staring blankly at the floor. Brittany's hands are shaking as she is unable to make eye contact with Mrs. Pillsbury afraid that she may say something to get Santana into more trouble than she was already in. Santana on the other hand leaned back in the uncomfortable chair with her legs crossed and a look of boredom on her face, as if she had done nothing wrong.

Mrs. Pillsbury clears her throat placing her pen on the corner of her desk mat. "Okay, ladies. Would you like to explain to me why there are three girls in the nurses office with bloody noses and two more with bruises." She said with her big eyes staring in Santana's direction expecting some sort of explanation.

Santana scoffed as she straightened up in her chair, "They fell." She said with a sternness that conveyed her lie as if she was unwilling to admit to anything other than what left her lips. Brittany looked towards Santana for direction, "Yes… they fell… twice" Brittany shouted trying her best to back up Santana's story even though she knew she was a terrible liar.

Mrs. Pillsbury let out a deep sigh as she stood up from her chair straightening out the frame behind her until it was perfectly aligned, "You girls do understand that this cannot be ignored. I mean Santana this is the fourth fight you've had this semester, I'll be forced to suspend you if you don't tell the truth."

Brittany suddenly rose from her seat unable to bear the thought of coming to school without her best friend, "The girl was making fun of Santana, she called her Lezzi… I don't know what that mean's but I'm sure it is really really bad and Santana shouldn't get in trouble for it." She looked down at Santana who was shocked at her outburst.

"Brittany!" Santana yelled out as she uncrossed her arms.

Mrs. Pillsbury faced the two girls in front of her in relief that they weren't lying anymore or at least Brittany wasn't, "Okay, that's a start. Santana, I understand that name calling is a terrible thing to go through but your actions were uncalled for… but I will excuse you for your behavior because I think their is a bigger issue going on." Mrs. Pillsbury looked over at her counter of flyers searching for the right one to fit the situation. She picked one up and handed it to Santana.

Santana stared at the pamphlet as she read the title aloud, "I Punch People In the Face Because I'm A Repressed Lesbian." She scoffed once more throwing the pamphlet on the desk as she leaned farther back in her chair.

Mrs. Pillsbury found her way back to her own chair leaving her hands on top of her desk as she continued, "Sexuality is something kids your age begin to explore and…"

"We're not lesbians!" Santana said cutting off Mrs. Pillsbury as she rose from her seat.

"Yeah, we're not Lesbians!" Brittany said mirroring Santana's actions rising out of her chair.

Santana looked towards Brittany in confirmation as she crossed her arms over her chest once more.

"We're bisexuals!" Brittany said as she saw Mrs. Pillsbury's mouth open in shock.

Santana turned her attention to the blonde as she shouted, "Brittany!"

"My Mom said that's the term for it." Brittany said trying to defend her sudden outburst.

Santana turned to face the blonde completely ignoring Mrs. Pillsbury's presence now, "You told your Mom?"

Brittany looked down at her shoes knowing she had confessed something she probably shouldn't have, "She already knew."

Santana sat back down her hand covering her face as if to relieve the shame, "Ugh… great." She scoffed as Brittany sat back down looking at the floor knowing she didn't say the right thing.

Mrs. Pillsbury was completely shocked at the whole confession as she looked at both of them, "Okay well Brittany it's very admirable that you told your Mother and feel comfortable enough to confess your sexual orientation… Santana I understand this is difficult for you but it is better to be honest with yourself…" Santana rose from the chair interrupting Mrs. Pillsbury's little speech unwilling to be lectured, "Look since you're not suspending me we're leaving, okay." She said not so much asking but commanding as she looked towards Brittany giving her the signal to get up. Brittany rose from her chair as she locked pinkies with Santana ready to head back out the door.

Before they were out Mrs. Pillsbury managed to say something to them, "If you ever need to talk feel free to come to my office anytime." She said with an elated smile mostly speaking to Santana. Santana gave a fake grin, "Sure thing Mrs. Pillsbury dough devil." She said in her usual snarky demeanor before she and Brittany were out in the hallway.

They walked pass all the faces that stared at them as if they had somehow known. Santana tries her best not to let the little whispers and giggling phase her as she just walks beside Brittany, their pinkies in tact. Brittany is nervous as her palms become sweaty, she knows that the whole school was probably going to treat them the way they had treated Kurt and she feels scared for a moment before she looks at Santana, and somehow the fear slowly fades.

"I'm sorry I said we were... you know." Brittany said in a whisper as they continued their way down the hall.

"It's okay Britt... I feel kind of relieved... at least I didn't have to say it." Santana was always afraid to verbalize the very word whether it was lesbian or bisexual and a part of her was glad Brittany said it, it was as if Brittany came out for the both of them. The torment they would soon endure would be hell, that much she expected. Mostly from the girls considering all the boys were shallow and would probably embrace it, but still it troubled the Latina. How they would have to go through ridicule for loving each other seemed absurd.

By now everyone had known, yet Santana still refused to establish a clear line between hers and Brittany's relationship. She thought that maybe she was scared because she never had a relationship with a girl but now she begins to realize it's because she's never had a relationship with someone she truly loved. She wasn't ready but at least now she was being honest with herself.


	14. The Scared Become the Brave

When is it enough? When do you finally give up on a love that has been exhausted beyond all means and broken into so many fragments that repair seems uncertain?

Brittany would say never. It would be the only logical answer to her because love was something she valued very highly, something that made the world go round.

Brittany doesn't want to give up on this love but she's afraid that she may have to, not because she's tired of the angst or the denial but because of the strain it has on Santana. She doesn't want to see her best friend fall apart for this. Seeing the deepening sadness in Santana's eyes would be enough for her to stop hassling the Latina to reveal her emotions. She knows it's difficult for Santana to admit to loving her, she knows it will take more than a song or a heart felt conversation for her to actually say the words without denying them later. She has been patient but she feels she needs to give up on this. It's not worth seeing Santana being completely broken apart, it's not worth seeing Santana struggle. Brittany wants Santana to admit it to herself first, to realize the things she wants and the things she needs before they even delve into the subject of a relationship. Brittany has concluded one thing: Santana isn't confused, she's scared.

Santana has been having doubts. She's finding comfort in her own cowardice as she evaluates not only the things her heart wants but the things she had promised. She loves Brittany, that much is obvious, but is she willing to risk the heartbreak? Is she willing to risk the deterioration of both their hearts for love? Couldn't friendship be enough? She tries to convince herself that things will go back to normal, that she can convince the school that they didn't hear Brittany shout "We're bisexuals" in Mrs. Pillsbury's office yesterday, but she doesn't know if that's what is best. She thought she could be honest with herself that she could deal with the labels but even now as she walks down the school hall her hands tremble as the students begin their whispers and she knows this is just the beginning. She doesn't know if she is strong enough to continue and endure more.

Santana arrives at school taking a deep breath before she sets foot on school grounds, knowing the suffering they went through yesterday would be nothing compared to what lay in store for them today. She wears the familiar mask that contains a bitch face and glare, it was a tough exterior to hide the frailty within her. She had always contained a feigned courage that fooled everyone, everyone but Brittany.

Unlike Santana, Brittany goes to school unwilling to deny the rumors of her sexuality. She was never one to lie and it didn't seem right to deny the fact she loved a girl. She doesn't let the comments and the wandering eyes phase her. Her strength comes from her ability to always be honest with herself. She only wished Santana would do the same.

Santana heads down the hall ignoring the stares, the giggles, the pointing. She wants to deny everything that happened yesterday in Mrs. Pilsbury's office. She knows with an unrelenting force and endurance she could probably have the whole school forget about it within a couple hours.

Her thoughts are interrupted as she sees Brittany at her locker as two girls pass her by saying something that she was unable to hear because of the distance. She could tell they weren't complimenting the blonde on her cute hat or new skirt due to the way Brittany's face drooped down into a deep anguish, which in turn caused Santana's hands to clench into fists.

Santana quickly walked towards Brittany giving the two girls a death glare before laying a hand on the blondes shoulder, "What did they say to you?"

Brittany continued to look down as she played with her thumbs. It was sweet how Santana had always felt the need to protect her even in the smallest of situations but she didn't need Santana fighting this battle for her. She wasn't ashamed of who she was and she knew this treatment was something she would have to deal with whether or not Santana was there to protect her.

"She told me to stop checking her out… I wasn't looking… but I don't know." Brittany's words escaped as a whisper, feeling her once happy go lucky nature slowly diminish.

Santana exhaled deeply as she became aggravated by how some people were filled with so much hate, how they could treat someone as sweet as Brittany this way, "I'll kick their asses I swear." She said mostly to herself as if taking a mental note of the two girls faces.

"…don't San." Brittany managed to mutter as her blue eyes soon stared pleadingly at the Latina.

"Why not Brit? You cant just let them do that to you." She said crossing her arms unwilling to argue about this. She was aware that she couldn't get into any more fights because then she would probably risk suspension and then she would definitely be unable to defend Brittany in dire situations, but she couldn't just sit back and let Brittany endure this harsh treatment the way Kurt had to.

"I'm not ashamed of who I am, San. Are you?" Brittany said as she closed her locker not really expecting an answer as the bell rang causing her to make her way down the hall.

Santana didn't follow.

Brittany had always been brave. She never cried when someone called her stupid or made fun of her tallness, she never got angry at the way people looked at her or laughed, she was strong enough to continue her normal routines without letting others get the best of her. The same couldn't be said for Santana though. When someone said something offensive to the Latina she would shake her fists as if it didn't phase her but in the girls bathroom she would cry. Coming out was something that would make everything even more unbearable and both of them would have to either deny who they were or accept it.

Santana remained unmoved. She was scared. Scared of admitting it to herself, scared of admitting it to Brittany. She took a deep breath as if to gather her courage before she jogged down the hallway in an attempt to chase after the blonde. Finally catching up to her she took a moment to catch her breath and sort out her thoughts as the blonde stood their completely surprised yet calm, as if expecting either a confession or an end to things.

Santana gazed at the blonde knowing that through her fear she had somehow found the strength in Brittany's eyes to finally say the things she truly felt and not just within the confines of four walls but publicly in a crowded hallway. She's terrified but she knows she cant continue this lie because the truth resides in her stomach etching at her insides waiting to be let out and she cant bear the pain any longer.

"Britt, I'm not ashamed of who I am… I'm just… I'm so scared of this… I'm scared because I have all of these feelings, feelings for you… that I'm afraid of admitting to because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences." As the words left her mouth she could feel the heavy weight begin to lift from her heart. Her knees buckle and her hands shake but still she manages to keep herself together.

"And Brittany I cant go to indigo girls concert… I just cant." She said shaking her head knowing she needed to take baby steps first before she would be able to embrace the fact that she was in love with a girl.

"I understand that." Brittany said in a low voice. She can see the facade begin to fade as Santana's walls were being stripped down. She's proud of her. Santana had always worn a tough exterior preventing everything bad to come in and potentially damage her but in doing so she had also prevented all the good from coming in. But now her her walls were finally being demolished as she stood there completely vulnerable and Brittany could feel her own heart leap out of her chest. Santana was opening up, she wasn't wearing her usual bitch face or glare, she was just Santana.

"Do you understand what I'm trying to say?" Santana asked knowing this was one of the first times she was being emotionally open and honest with Brittany and it was bound to confuse the blonde.

"No… not really." Brittany didn't know what exactly Santana was trying to tell her. She knows the Latina was opening up but why? Was she telling her she was scared but still unwilling to begin a relationship or was Santana just justifying why she hasn't admitted to herself that she was in love.

"I wanna be with you, but I'm afraid of what will happen and what everyone will say. I don't want you to be like all those other guys I've been with and I don't want to deal with the treatment Kurt had to go through… I don't want to ruin what we already have." She said her eyes beginning to water.

"You can't ruin us San…"Brittany said in a low whisper. She has always known Santana was a protector, that Santana would do anything to shield her from harm but she had to know it didn't matter if the whole school was against them, as long as they had each other they would be okay.

"I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to deal with the talks and the looks…" Santana said looking around at the kids in the hallway, how judgmental they were, how they were incapable of understanding this love.

"But honey, if anyone makes fun of you you'd kick their ass like those cheerios yesterday." Brittany said trying to reassure Santana that they could do this, that somehow they could make this work.

"I know but I'm scared of what they will say behind my back… but I have to accept that I love you… and I'd do anything for you… Please say you love me back, please." She said with pleading eyes as her lip began to quiver. The sudden fear of rejection climbing its way up her throat. She knows Brittany has waited for her to say those words she just hoped it wasn't too late.

"… I love you back." Brittany said with a small smile always doing as Santana told her. She had been waiting for Santana to say those words, to ask her to say them back because countless times the Latina refused to say those three words. Now that it was finally verbalized Brittany could feel her heart begin to race. After all this time Santana had finally opened her caged heart and let it find comfort within her own. Tears begin to form on her eyes as she is overwhelmed with a sudden joy.

Santana collapsed into Brittany's arms, forgetting the students who filled the halls. She didn't care about them now, she didn't care about the way they were already beginning the rumors or how they were staring at them as if they were some sort of freak show, all that mattered was Brittany. She would feel safe in the blondes arms as if it was a shield against everything bad.

The tears fell from her eyes soaking into Brittany's jacket, she doesn't feel sad, she feels relieved. She pulls away slightly as her brown eyes now gaze up into the blondes, it feels right. She leans forward trying her best to compensate for her height by tippy toeing up as she brushes her lips lightly against Brittany's almost to confirm everyone's thoughts.

In that moment her armor had successfully cracked leaving nothing more than her skin to bear the consequences, but she could revel in the fact that she wasn't just going to have to deal with the talks but that now she could let Brittany in, that now she could finally have the love she always desired. She was finally ready for this. She wanted to hold Brittany's hand down the hallway, she wanted to go out on dates, she wanted to confess her love to the blonde in public and not feel the constraints of fear. She wanted Brittany and now she finally had her.

Grabbing the blondes hand as their fingers intertwined with each other they walked down the hall fearless. Santana slowly curls into Brittany's shoulder resting her head on her arm as they continued to walk.

Santana had finally found the courage to admit to the things she felt. Of course she was still scared but somehow she was willing to power through the abuse that would follow because Brittany was worth all the pain in the world.

They aren't holding pinkies nor are they trying to hide their obvious affection. Santana who had been scared of the simple act of adoration had become brave, unafraid of what everyone would think of what everyone would label them as. She was willing to endure all the harsh treatment; it didn't matter to her anymore, it couldn't have hurt more than feeling completely apart from the one person she truly loved.

All she knew was that she wanted to be with Brittany, that Brittany was the only person who made her happy, and it was time she finally allowed the blonde to have her heart completely.


	15. Transformation

"If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation."

This transformation isn't sudden nor does it come easily, but Santana who has always been afraid has now found the courage to change back into the girl she used to be before she forced herself to become a bitch to protect Brittany. It begins with little things. She smiles more often, she laughs at Finn's jokes, she even resists the urge to glare at Berry's unflattering tights. Brittany embraces this new behavior and revels in the fact that Santana was showing everyone just how sweet and kind she could be, something the Latina used to only show to Brittany within the confines of her room.

Santana relieves a deep breath, she's scared of the consequences but she's not scared of loving Brittany, not anymore. She used to be terrified of loving someone so sweet and kind but now she feels completely fearless. She squeezes the blondes hand as if finding the courage between Brittany's fingers and it gives her the strength to continue without a struggle. She has finally come to terms with who she is and who she loves.

They walked down the crowded school hallway this time hand in hand. It's difficult and it's frightening but somehow Santana continues to walk down the hall with the blonde by her side. She doesn't let the looks get to her, she doesn't let the giggling crawl beneath her skin, and she doesn't let the pointing cause her hands to curl into fists. It's as if everyone ceased to exist but the two of them and she feels relieved. She thought it would be hard that she wouldn't be able to do this, but it's easy. Love was supposed to be easy, that's what Brittany told her and she refused to believe the blonde until now. She stopped worrying about what everyone else thought of her, all she cared about was what Brittany thought of her, everyone else seemed irrelevant.

She notices the way they stare at her, the way they immediately judge her but she doesn't care anymore. Who were they to judge her love? They didn't know the things she and Brittany shared, they didn't know how Brittany told her she was beautiful when she felt insecure or that Brittany's kisses were the glue that would mend her broken heart after a fight with her Dad. They didn't know this love because none of them have ever felt or even seen this kind of love. This was true love.

Brittany was her soulmate, there was no one else in the world who could love her flaws the way the blonde did and there was no one in the world who would continue to fight for her even when loss seemed inevitable. She doesn't care what they say or think about them because when she looks at all the giggling faces in the hall she cant help but pity them because they will never know what it's like to love Brittany.

They are standing in front of Brittany's spanish class. Santana gives the blonde a peck on the lips her face turning a bright red. She isn't used to being sweet or showing affection to Brittany in public but somehow it feels right as if her love wasn't being caged anymore.

Brittany only giggles at the way Santana blushes, how she seemed so nervous and bashful. She always knew Santana would find the courage within her heart to not only be in a relationship with her but to admit to the way she felt and embrace it. It had been a difficult year, with the games, the boyfriends, the talks, but it all seemed worth it to just stand there in front of Santana and know that this was what real love felt like.

"My parents are going to the river this weekend… do you want to come?" Brittany muttered in a low voice knowing that Santana never went back to the river with her after that one tragic summer, but she didn't want to be apart for Santana for the whole weekend so she asked anyways.

"… sure." She was hesitant at first. She didn't like the idea of going back there to relive the terrible memory but with her newfound courage she decided it was time to forget that horrible summer and make new memories, memories that she and Brittany could share together as a couple. Besides she always enjoyed the river and it was time to face her fears.

Brittany had a wide smile on her face as she clapped in excitement. Santana only mirrored the blondes happiness as she reached over grasping Brittany's hand lightly, "I'm going because I want to be with you… but this time can we please stay away from the water." Brittany only nodded in reassurance knowing Santana was still afraid but knowing she could help her through her fears.

"Oh and Britt can you go to church with me after school today… I kind of missed it last weekend." She said knowing church always made Brittany sleepy but somehow she wouldn't be able to go without the blonde.

"Of course, San." Brittany replied enthusiastically as she gave Santana a peck on the lips.

Brittany waved goodbye rushing inside her classroom while Santana watched her scurry through the door; she headed down the corridor to her own class, she no longer walked with shame or fear but rather each step contained an amount of ease that would never have been possible without Brittany.

Before she could even make it to her classroom she was interrupted by Karofsky who stood in front of her with a slushy in his hand. She was caught off guard as he shoves the cup in her face, the red icy drink spreading all over her face and clothes. She stands their in shock unable to move as she attempts to wipe the sticky residue from herself.

Karofsky continues down the hall shouting, "Fruit loops are just gay Cheerios… looks like you're living every jocks wet dream, you've got the stupid blonde girlfriend." Santana feels the wrath beginning to tear at her insides as her teeth clench and her muscles tense up. She tries to resist the urge to run after him and show him what her manicure can do to his face but she cant contain this anger and finds herself bolting down the hall behind him.

He's in the boys locker room when she comes storming in, the look of utter shock on is face, he seems scared for a moment. Her delicate hands are formed into tight fists as she stands in front of him, the rage in her eyes piercing through the space between them as she finally begins to yell, "What the hell is your problem you homophobic son of bitch!" Her words are harsh as they leave her lips like venom attempting to kill it's prey.

"What? You think you can just flaunt your lesbian love affair like it's okay? It's not right, deal with it!" He shouts back slamming his fist against one of the closed lockers as if to intimidate the Latina but she remains unmoved with stern eyes.

She stares at him and for a moment she feels bad, she feels sympathy for him. He was scared just like she was. He was in denial that was why he was making fun of her and Brittany's relationship, to hide his own homosexuality. It's what she used to do, the way she used to tease Kurt, it was the same thing. Her fists uncurl as her muscles soon loosen, "I'm dealing with it… are you?" She said in a raspy voice as she walked out of the double doors. He stood their looking down at the floor as if somehow it would provide him with the answer as he muttered something before the doors closed, "…I'm trying." He was struggling just like she was.

Santana rushes to the girls bathroom as she stares at her reflection in the mirror seeing the tears form in her own eyes. It hurts. She wonders how Kurt had put up with it for so long, how could he have stored up all that anger, all that hatred, until finally he forced himself to leave. It was exhausting, putting up with the ignorance of the people that surrounded her. She became frustrated but more than anything she was torn. She didn't think it would be this hard, she didn't think it would hurt this much. Having someone label your love as wrong, how could this love be wrong and how could everyone tolerate behavior like Karofsky's as if it was nothing important. It makes her furious and she's surprised she didn't punch Karofsky in the face or tear him to shreds. She thinks that maybe it's better that she didn't attempt to fight him, that maybe this was another step in her own growth because the truth was Brittany had made her a better person. She was less violent, she refrained from rude comments, and most of all she was letting people in. She started talking to the Glee kids and not just by force or boredom, she was actually kind to them, trying to get to know them, trying to be their friend.

After school they met in the church a few blocks from campus. They sat in the back row as the mass began. Santana stares attentively at the alter as she grasps Brittany's hand tightly. Brittany tries her best not to doze off as she rests her head on Santana's shoulder. It's peaceful.

When the church bells ring indicating the end of the mass they both stay there silently as people begin to leave. Santana looks down at the floor still holding Brittany's hand, "Karofsky slushied me today." She said a mere whisper as she finally looked towards the blonde.

Brittany's face drooped down into a deep sadness, "What did you do? Did you get suspended?" She asked desperate for an answer knowing Santana didn't deal with humiliation well and would usually resort to violence but she was surprised when she saw the Latina shake her head.

"No Britt, I didn't do anything to him… but I think he's scared, just like I was scared… and I want to help him the way you helped me." She finally says knowing this was something she would probably never have admitted to anyone but Brittany.

Brittany sat their completely taken aback by Santana. Santana used to be filled with so much hatred and anger and now she wanted to help people. Brittany couldn't be more impressed. She slowly leaned over leaving a light kiss against Santana's cheek before a smile overtook her face, "I think that's a great idea…" She said as Santana rose from the church pew with a grin on her face. Brittany rose with her as they left with their arms looped through one another.

Santana had come a long way. At the beginning of the year she was cruel, violent, and completely self involved, but now she was actually showing kindness and wanting to help people. Her growth didn't go unnoticed. Brittany could tell, she could always tell. She has been waiting for Santana to embrace her better qualities and now the Latina was finally doing just that.

Santana nuzzled against Brittany's shoulder as they headed towards the parking lot, "So what did you pray for Brit? You didn't fall asleep this time."

"I didn't pray for anything... I have everything I need." She said in a low voice as she squeezed Santana's hand lightly.

They were both finally happy, something that seemed so distant just last week. Santana no longer doubts this relationship and Brittany continues to have hope. They both realize that love like theirs was almost nonexistent and through the tribulations they needed to fight and embrace it. Love like this was worth all the pain they had gone through, all the heart break, and all the wounds. Love like this could never die.


	16. Surprise

They are watching the discovery channel as Santana lays on top of the blonde curled into the safety of her arms. They are happy, something that used to seem unrealistic but now they had finally attained the very thing they had struggled so hard with. Being happy together.

"Do you know what today is San?" Brittany asks as she twirls strands of the Latina's hair between her slender fingers.

"The day Mr. Shue didn't wear a vest for the first time in two years?" Santana says with the same snarky demeanor she usually contains as she chuckles at the very thought.

"No San… it's our bff day." Brittany says enthusiastically as a wide smile breaks onto her face.

"I know… I'd never forget." Santana says with the roll of her eyes.

Brittany leans over leaving a light kiss against Santana's lips, "I never forget either."

Within a second Brittany is sitting up and reaching under her bed revealing a small pink bag with a bow on it as she hands it to Santana,"Here open it, open it!"

Santana opens the bag and finds a charm for her bracelet, a heart. Brittany was always cheesy with her gifts but for once Santana didn't mind since her gift was probably even more cheesy, "Brit... I love it."

"Here's yours" Santana says pulling out a medium sized box from her backpack. It wasn't wrapped or anything, it was just a simple box but Santana was never one for decorating anyways. Just as she puts the box on the bed she feels her phone vibrating, it's a text from her dad.

"Wait, I have to go home really quick Brit, my dad just texted me apparently it's an emergency which means he probably forgot how to make mac and cheese again… I'll be right back, don't you dare peek at it until I come back okay?" Santana commands before grabbing her back pack and kissing Brittany on the cheek.

"Okay." It is all that Brittany says before Santana is out the door. Her eyes are glued to the box, she's trying hard to resist a look but Santana told her no peeking and Brittany would never disobey Santana.

She waited an hour and a half before her eyelids felt heavy and she fell into a slumber clutching the box as if it were Santana herself. It is only after she hears her mothers soft voice that she begins to slowly wake up from her slumber.

"Brittany, sweetheart, are you awake?" Her mother says rubbing her daughters back gently.

"… yeah." Brittany says rubbing her eyes a bit confused.

Her mother is silent for a moment and Brittany can already tell something is wrong. Her mother says the words and as they leave her mouth they enter Brittany's heart like daggers. "There's been an accident."

"Quinn is having another baby?" It is Brittany's immediate response since Quinn was always talking about how having sex with Puck was an accident but deep inside she knows it's something much worse.

"No Brittany, Santana was in a car accident." Her mother says before grabbing her daughters hand and squeezing lightly.

Brittany quickly pulls away as she jumps to her feet unwilling to accept it, "No… she said she was coming right back… she'll come back... Santana said... Santana doesn't lie to me!"

Brittany's mother is already on the verge of tears as she stands up trying her best to calm her daughter down but it proves no use. "I'm sorry honey, I'm so sorry…"

Brittany felt the tears rush from her face as she holds the box in her hand, the excitement was gone and only a deepening pain remained.

**Okay, I know I haven't updated in forever but be patient I've had exams and stuff and I've been lacking inspiration lately. Anyways expect more updates and sorry this chapter was so short and didn't really have a lot of inner thought processes.**


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